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It hurts

I'm so incredibly exhausted. Brain has shorted out. Kind of awesome how a good panic or anxiety attack can put me down for a week. /sarcasm

Leon has gotten fat so I'm trying to take him out on more regular walks. And of course, this is incredibly difficult because he hates walks, with a passion, and I have my problem with agoraphobia+panic attacks.

It makes me miss living at the apartments for that reason alone. Was easier to walk him there. No people.

Today I tried to take him out and ended up having some lady smacking on her window and yelling at me out of it to "move on" because her dumb fucking dog was barking at Leon through her gate, and Leon was trying to pull me over to get to him as he always does whenever that dog is out. I was having trouble staying upright, every time I try to move he can feel the slack and will lunge forward, fuck moving on. Passive-aggressive bitch, I hate people like you. I yelled back at her that I was trying, because honestly I was, but what the fuck does she care. She continued to yell at me, probably didn't hear anything I said since apparently I need to go into speech therapy, and I started to panic and yelled at her if she wanted to talk she needed to come outside. A little after that Leon decided he did want to move on, probably from all the commotion coming from me, and I was able to get just past her house, and the driveway of the next house, before I had to collapse. All the while trying to get a hold of my mom. Eventually it hit a point where I couldn't talk, but I kept trying anyway, over and over. She was in a church thingie and won't answer her phone, just text.

Eventually some nice people stopped but I couldn't figure out what I was supposed to do. Just knew I didn't want the police or an ambulance called and that I needed to go home. I was able to communicate that I was having a panic attack, that I didn't want 911 called, and where I lived, but beyond that, nothing. Eventually I was able to gather enough sense to give him my phone so he could call my mom and she could come get me. But by that point his wife decided she was going to call the police, guess it was taking too long for her. Whatever. I feel bad I couldn't apologize to them for the trouble I caused.

If this ever happens again, I'm going to make sure I have the panic attack right in her front fucking yard and will make sure to call 911 so she can deal with the fallout. Or I'll just try giving her the finger, see what that does. It's going to take awhile to get over this and I'm now terrified of going outside again. Yaaay. Maybe I'll write an angry letter and leave her one of my papercrafts. Maybe.

Some fucking asshole just cut me off
And gave me the finger when I fucking honked
Then he proceeded to put on the brakes
He slammed on the brakes, but I made a mistake
When I climbed out of my van he was waiting
But he was six three and two hundred pounds of Satan

I hate everyone