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I was going to do this yesterday, but Layton distracted me by dragging me down to his house for some drinks. I feel bad for posting so little so I am using this as half an excuse to make a post. Not that I need it anymore... Ha ha.

These are all the papercrafts I've done so far. Mostly in order and minus the Mega Man which James has since it is his.

Domo Portal Pyramid Head Corgi E-Tank

I had made a comment to someone, I'm not sure if James was around for it or if it was with Chris, but I said it was really old having people decide that they love me. It's not fun for anyone involved because I know that they don't. My personality is very malleable since I'm impossibly easy to get along with and so I am just the person who people, typically unconfidant, project their wants and needs onto and form their idealized version of who they want. This in turn puts massive amounts of preassure on me because I don't reciprocate their wishes or desires.

So of course today, karmic retribution decided to come and bite me in the ass because I had to mention it last night. Matt decided he was going to be very emotional and that he needed to talk to me about it. Sure, that's fine. I'm one of only 3 people he feels like he can really talk to. And after about an hour I finally got it out of him. Apparently he had decided awhile ago that he's in love with me and he's been trying to say it for a year now. And even though I'm glad he finally said it (for his sake), I really wish he hadn't because Matt is... Well, he wanted to know my feelings on the matter, and I told him exactly what I felt, that you can't run away from your feelings forever and that doing so will only cause more problems in the long run. But he apparently didn't see that as an answer. I know what he wants to hear, that I {love} him too and that I'd leave James for him, but there is no way in hell that is ever going to happen and he knows it. And I'm not sure what to do.

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
fly_among_stars
May. 23rd, 2010 12:24 am (UTC)
OK INTERESTING ENTRY. You might have figured out by reading my journal that I always do EXACTLY the thing you're so sick of guys doing to you! I "fall in love" with girls who are simply nice, easy to get along with, or have something in common with me, and blow the whole thing WAY out of proportion, leading to the endless cycle of sadness and loneliness that I've described so often in my journal. I'm just as sick of going through that as you must be of people doing it to you! It's very interesting to read about how it feels from the other side.

I guess the difference between me and this Matt guy is that I NEVER, under any circumstances, admit my feelings. (The only time I would is if I strongly suspected the girl liked me back, which is obviously never true.) Anyways, to be honest I don't think there's anything you really CAN do about his problem. People like me and him are inherently lonely, causing us to get these feelings, sometimes for no good reason; it's on us, not you, to control them and prevent them from ruining our lives. So, just live your life and don't stress too much about it if possible. *Shrugs* That's my take on it anyway.

BTW...that Leon papercraft is ADORABLE.
schwarzkatze
May. 24th, 2010 09:12 am (UTC)
I know I didn't say it directly but it's more of a complaint towards myself, than it is towards Matt or anyone else. While most of the time it does deal with people who have lower feelings of self worth, which are personally the sorts of people I prefer to be around since they seem to be more down to earth and are easier to talk to, that's not always the case. Like with a guy I've mentioned a couple times who I knew only from the bar. And it happens with such an alarming frequency that it means there is apparently something very subtle which I am doing and I don't know what it is or how to stop it.

For Matt's sake I'm glad he finally admitted his feelings, even if I can't reciprocate. And with him I literally can't even if situations did change; he is bi-polar, I can't handle extreme ups and downs and everything with Matt tends to be extreme. Anyway, it's something I've known for quite some time since he hasn't exactly been hiding it and have been trying to get him to admit openly. I don't believe it's good to bottle it up. And now that it's out in the open I think he can decide what he's going to do with it and where he is going to go from here. Whether it be to move on in his life as he was talking about (according to him, everyone always leaves) or try to continue the friendship as it is now.

Unfortunately the way I feel about things like that, being open with ones feelings, doesn't seem to be the common consensus. And maybe it's a good thing since people tend to be more emotional than logical with the feelings they are presented with. I don't know. It's always been stupid to me that people have to completely change the way they act or treat others when presnted with the idea that you love or care for them. It shouldn't be treated like something creepy or wrong unless one is going out of their way to be creepy about it.

Man, I don't think I know what I'm saying anymore so I should probably stop. Hopefully that made some modicum sense though.
fly_among_stars
May. 24th, 2010 04:24 pm (UTC)
Yeah...I don't know either. I just know that I'm definitely in the camp of not being open about feelings, and like you said, that's probably a bad thing. I can't imagine ever admitting to somebody how much they mean to me. I guess the reason is that I'm afraid that doing so would cause them to react in a bad way and ruin whatever semblance of friendship currently exists.
schwarzkatze
May. 25th, 2010 08:26 am (UTC)
Reading back on the comment, holy crap I was tired when I wrote that. :)

I completely understand why you would do that, and I actually envy you for being able to hold back like that. I couldn't do that with any sort of comment to save my life. God knows it's gotten me in trouble on many different occasions. And it's probably just the aspie in me, but that's why I don't understand why people have such negative reactions when presented with it. Love ain't bad.

The only thing I can think is that maybe it has something to do with an independence factor and something about being cared for makes people feel tied down. Or that they're afraid they'll disappoint the person expressing the affection. I don't know. It just...

Ugh, thoughts go in and I can't get them back out. Excuse me while I *head-desk*
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