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Why isn't their a brain shut off switch?

I'm probably going to have a very busy day tomorrow and I'm trying very hard though not to think about it. The vacuum is clean, I'm not going to worry about the belt because it's as of this point, unnecessary. I know if I do start thinking about it, it will all come crashing down around me like it did last time. The last time being for about 3 days before the first of the month.

I was really wanting to make dinner for James' dad, had everything all planned out and just needed to do the shopping for it. Seemed simple enough. All I had to do was make sure I didn't spend beyond my means. And I didn't. I think I spent a total of 5 dollars on two things. Awesome. The night I was actually able to get to the store I couldn't find anything that I didn't already have. No roasts, no butterscotch chips, no nothing. Just half and half, and whipped cream. Actually, come to think of it, I think it was only 3 dollars. Whatever, the cost is irrelevant. So I wasn't able to find anything, I could feel my stress levels already starting to go up, and had to ask my mom if she could take me out the next day. I don't like asking anyone for anything because inevitably questions will arise, and I do hate having to explain myself or my actions. It makes me ashamed to be trying to do anything at all. But I asked anyway, and all those questions came up, I blundered through them, this went one way, another thing went another and I thought it could still be done. Stress went down a bit. The next day came and, well, worse came to worse, and it didn't happen. I ended up in tears screaming about what a failure I am at everything and yelling at mom to leave me the fuck alone. She couldn't, and wouldn't shut up. It's like, I'm in enough agony as it is and don't like anyone to see me when I'm at a venerable point, please just go away or I'll get violent and more than likely it will be at myself unless you push hard enough, then it will be at you. But I can't say that. That expresses even more vulnerability in it's self. So to make a long story short, she did eventually go away after I threw a tissue box at my closed door, she didn't know that it was a tissue box, only that I threw something, went to her appointments and was gone for the rest of the day. Until well after 4. Think she had to go visit Jennifer or something. It ended up being better for me that way. I had the entire house to myself so I could take out my frustration screaming or whatever else. Just me and leon, who glued himself to my side. Every time I would go upstairs, he would follow me and sit halfway between the stairs and my room looking back and forth between me and them. Wouldn't let me stay up there and sulk.

And I didn't get to do any of what I was wanting to do. Next day I went to see the therapist, still don't recall her name and I don't care much, and my mom burst out crying in the middle of the damn office. I angrily told her to drop it and my therapist had to ask her to talk to her instead of talking to me. It gave her a whole bunch of wrong signals and information which I had to correct at a later point, after my mom had left the room. And everyone always says, you can try again another day, this isn't the only one you have. Well, I hate to break it to you, and actually I won't to the people who aren't even involved, but you're wrong, there was only one day. It was October the first. That comes around once every 365 days. It can't be replicated and I can't go back in time. The meaning of it, the idea, has completely passed on and so any "do-overs" done another day... well, it just doesn't work. You don't have thanksgiving in December if you can't get the turkey do you? Or Christmas on New Years because you couldn't find all the gifts you wanted? No. And I can't explain that to anyone because it feels trivial. It's not a date that is important to anyone but me, and my personal feelings on such matters are best kept to myself. No explanations necessary.

So I'm trying not to think about tomorrow. I would prefer the day go as quickly and quietly by as possible. Not even like there is anything going on that is horribly important. Just want to give Simon a bath and get James' job application in to Gamestop. James told me earlier that Simon has started scratching so bad he's now bleeding, and that worries me very much.

I know I'm screwed up, (my mom likes to argue this fact, to which I will just call her delusional and tell her she's in denial), I just don't like to show weakness in front of other people, let alone have it pointed out to me that something is wrong. I know it's wrong, you don't have to tell me. I just want to be treated... normal.

:) ?


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(Deleted comment)
Oct. 9th, 2009 08:10 am (UTC)
Well I like to write everything down because I don't want to forget it, and know if I don't I will. On the flip side though, I know I've gotten out of doing this so I'm not writing down as much as I used to so it sort of defeats the purpose. The whole blah, blah thing is because I don't want to clutter up peoples pages with my whining. :P
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