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Today, I hate myself.

I haven't been feeling great today, crying a lot, so I went down to james' at 8 in the morning. Ended up leaving shortly after because he hadn't slept much, was being irritable, and it was making me feel worse. Went over to layton's until almost 3 when I had planned to go home. Called james, to let him know that I had left him food there, and he convinced me to come back over. And I did after taking leon for a short walk around the complex, after which I proceeded to cry all over james. It felt terrible to put him through that, which made me cry more... and I was just a downright terrible person, but I couldn't handle being home and feeling so alone anymore. I've been crying off and on all day after feeling more and more depressed for... well, it's week 3 now.

It's really just a shitty place to be, and I keep trying to tell james that it has nothing to do with him and sometimes, most times really, there is nothing that can be done. Sometimes it just has to run through. Clinical depression, chemical imbalances and blahblahblah. I don't think he's fully convinced though, and who can blame him. He still tries to make me smile though, even when it makes me feel worse and I ask him not to, and I do appreciate the sentiment. It makes life a little less agonizing to have someone trying to drag you back up out of the murky pain when you don't know what's up or down, let alone if there's even a bottom or top.

Maybe I'll feel better in the morning.

Maybe...

I get tired of telling people that "I'm fine," and "Yes, I'm sure," over and over. I just want everyone to stop. I don't want sympathy or anything else that they think that they can give to make me "better." Hell, half the time I'm not even upset. Most times my head just hurts a little. James says it's because I always look upset, and when I am upset it apparently becomes even more pronounced. Times like that I want to be left alone most of all. If I want you to know I'm hurting I'll tell you. Otherwise I just want to tell people to just let me pretend it's ok and don't point out that it's otherwise.


2 more weeks and 3 more episodes and then I'll have seen all of gurren lagann.