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There is far too much shit going on in life right now. I don't even know what to say or where to start... I'm completely at a loss. Our lease isn't going to be renewed, layton won't stick around long enough to talk to james about apartments or anything in regards to what will go on after this, so I really don't know what's been worked out in regards to that. This means I'll be moving back in with my parents. It makes me severely unhappy to think about. I'm not a happy person when I'm there and it will make me that much more unhappy not to be able to have leon with me constantly as he is now. But I'm trying not to complain because I know this is best for james. He can't keep working that job, and I'm not exactly helping anything.

I went out to look for a job again the other day, because I keep hoping maybe I'll be able to get hired for something... anything... and we'll just need to move into a smaller place, and that money will just have to be tight for a little bit, but the only application I was able to get was for value village. No one is hiring since it's after the holidays, not that I had any sort of a chance anyway.

So I'm basically at my wits end and trying not to cry because no one seems to understand that sometimes I just need to cry it out. The other week when I ended up in tears because of lack of sleep layton got pissed and hurt my arm, I was laying on the floor and refused to roll over, while yelling at me. James just gets upset and depressed himself because I don't want to talk about it. So if I do cry I end up doing it in the bathroom where I can clean up my face after and pretend that everything is just fine. Plaster on another plastic smile.

Why does time move so fast? I want to keep living here with james and leon. This is the happiest I've ever been in my life. I don't want this to change. Why can't happy ever last?

I was able to get milo's package sent out though, so I no longer have to worry about that.

It feels like I'm currently a wind up doll with a broken key that just keeps being wound up.
My shoulders hurt so much and you can only wind so far before everything breaks inside.
I can already feel myself beginning to shut down.

scar baby scar
fuck yeah