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I want a coin-operated boy...

I am stuck in a very dark place right now. Feels like I'm dying inside. I don't know if I should stay or go. Don't feel very wanted, or needed, and it hurts. Enjoy living here very much, but it just doesn't seem to be working. Feel terrible for sleeping at night and being awake during the day because I'm not able to spend any time with james. Hate being alone so much but the way things work I have no other choice. The only thing that really makes me smile much anymore is seeing leon happy. He's my baby and I love him very much. I've started crying a lot more again. Today I ended up on the floor in tears, upstairs in layton's room. Leon came over, barked a couple times and when I didn't respond he came over and laid down next to me and stuck his head in my hand. It made me calm down eventually. He knew I was in distress and didn't pull his usual crap. Not that his usual crap is bad, it just wouldn't have been appropriate at that time, and I think he knew that.

So I want to leave here. I think I would get to spend more time with people here if I did. Or, it would at least be of a better quaility, if nothing else. As it is, when I get to spend time with james now it's and hour before he goes to work and an hour or two after he gets off. It makes me feel like shit in the long run. I've tried sleeping in his room while he's playing his games all night, but that just seems to make me feel that much shittier in the morning when I have to get up and go downstairs so he can get his sleep. It's this way even on his weekends. Spends all day sleeping, when he wakes up he stays up in his room and plays games, I'm the one that always has to come up and see him, and that makes me feel needy and horrible because I'm quite sure he doesn't want to see me, and when he comes down he usually gets upset for me not being around or for being sad.

I've asked him if he will do things with me, but that's always too much and he can't be bothered. Even with tiny stupid things, like walking with me when I take the dog out. If I ask he gets very grumpy or annoyed looking. I love james very much but I don't know if I can keep doing this. Feel so rejected. I do everything I can for him, and in turn I just get emotional abuse back. :'( Yeah, I know this is abuse. Have known it for awhile. I can hardly talk about things that bother me. He frequently criticizes me for things he feels I've done wrong and makes me feel humiliation for them. And then there's the back and forth between severe emotional distance and being very close. It makes me so unsure of what's going on.

I think he knows what he's doing, I just wish I knew if it were intentional or not because something needs to change.

Coin operated boy
Sitting on the shelf he is just a toy
But I turn him on and he comes to life
Automatic joy
That is why I want a coin operated boy

Made of plastic and elastic
He is rugged and long-lasting
Who could ever, ever ask for more
Love without complications galore
Many shapes and weights to choose from
I will never leave my bedroom
I will never cry at night again
Wrap my arms around him and pretend....

Coin operated boy
All the other real ones that I destroy
Cannot hold a candle to my new boy and I'll
Never let him go and I'll never be alone
Not with my coin operated boy......

This bridge was written to make you feel smittener
With my sad picture of girl getting bitterer
Can you extract me from my plastic fantasy?
I didnt think so but I'm still convinceable
Will you persist even after I bet you
A billion dollars that I'll never love you
And will you persist even after I kiss you
Goodbye for the last time
Will you keep on trying to prove it?
I'm dying to lose it...
I'm losing my confidence
I want it
I want you
I want a coin operated boy.

And if I had a star to wish on
For my life I can't imagine
Any flesh and blood could be his match
I can even take him in the bath

Coin operated boy
He may not be real experienced with girls
But I know he feels like a boy should feel
Isn't that the point that is why I want a
Coin operated boy
With his pretty coin operated voice
Saying that he loves me that hes thinking of me
Straight and to the point
That is why I want
A coin operated boy.