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I have hyperthyroidism. Like, my THS is virtually non-existant and was almost undetectable (less than .0005 standard being .3 - 5.5). And possibly graves disease. But we won't know that until I get tested for it later. So now I have a name for my problem and still no real solution for it. At least it has a name now though.

So when I got back here I read up on hyperthyroidism and graves disease, cried a bit, and now I'm eating applesauce. Comfort foods aren't very comforting. Been thinking about moving back. Don't feel too terribly wanted or needed here. When layton gets back I plan to go nuts cooking. Can't imagine he'll be too terribly thrilled to see my list of things I need. If I were at home I wouldn't have to do this. Of course, if I were at home I wouldn't have any space either. So in the meantime I may end up bleeding a little of the pain out. This is fucked up.

My sister-in-law, jennefer, has something wrong with her thyroid too. Only she's super fat and has to take all sorts of suppliments and shit. Maybe hers was nuked for being overactive, I don't know and I don't think I really want to. Unless that was what I would end up doing myself, then I want to so I don't do it.

I'll probably end up smoking a whole crapload today. I've been doing that way too much but I've been under so much god damn stress I don't know how else to relieve it. Well, there is drinking, but drinking fucks you up. Smoking... not so much.

Oh yeah, and james punched me in the stomach today. Over his stupid fucking smash. I loath that fucking game more every day. It hurt a lot. He doesn't think he hit me that hard and doesn't believe me when I say he did. Wouldn't care so much if he had at least apologized for it but he didn't do anything. Just ignored me and started playing it. As much as that hurt physically it hurt a helluva lot more emotionally, that lack of caring. I told him before I left for my appointment that I was so glad he cared about his games so much more than he did about me. He just responded with "I didn't hit you that hard!" I wish he could have felt that pain, but if I had tried to reproduce it he would have said I hit him harder and blah, blah, blah. Excuses. That took way too long for him to do.

I feel sick. Think the sauce is going to come back up. *sigh* :\

I want to wake up in your white, white sun
I want to wake up in your world with no pain
But I'll just suffer in a hope to die someday
While you are numb all of the way

When I hate it I know I can feel but
When you love it you know it's not real
And I am resigned to this wicked fucking world
On its way to hell
The living are dead and
I hope to join them too
I know what to do and I do it well...

When I hate it I know I can feel but
When you love it you know it's not real

Shoot myself to love you
If I loved myself I'd be shooting you
--M.M. Fundamentally Loathsome



( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Mar. 13th, 2008 06:05 am (UTC)
Hyperthyroidism and Grave's is caused by too much TSH, not too little...
Tell James guys aren't supposed to hit girls!
Mar. 13th, 2008 10:41 pm (UTC)
The reason my ths is so low is because my t3 is too high. It's called t-3 toxicosis, but is still Graves disease.

And you should probably tell that to matt too.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )