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Dear Future Self,

Are you happy yet? Have things improved in your life any or did you finally give up and move on. If you haven't given up yet I hope james or layton is still with you and that you didn't do something to fuck everything up even worse than it already feels like it is. If you do, I'll hate you forever, swear it. :) Please don't make me hate you future self. As much as I hate my present self, I love you.

Right now I'm using music as a medication. Recently discovered I love metal a helluva lot more than I ever wanted to admit to myself. I wish I could list all the current favorites so you'll never forget them, but that would take up a lot of space. This depression really hurts, but the music is drowning it out. It's nice. I guess that's why I hope that you are still around. To see that the depression and social anxieties haven't beaten you down into a corner. So I could see things being better. So I could have hope and not feel so lost. I know the world doesn't always feel like it's fair, but the funny thing is, it actually is. I'm still trying to learn that though. And I'm trying to learn to love myself too. This self-improvement thing is a bitch though. I'm working from the outside in. Today layton, ex of one week and three days now after five and a half years, took me out to buy some makeup. Eyeliner, foundation and all that stuff. So I could make myself look pretty on the outside. Pretty weird, haha. Are you still gothy? Please don't abandon that or let anyone sway you away. It's something you've always been, even when you didn't know it. You've made so many friends because of it too.

10 years ago... so long ago. I can't remember what life was like then so I'm sure you won't remember, 10 years in the future, what life is like now. I want you to remember today. I want you to remember every day from here on out. They're all so precious and few. I know that's a big task though, so it's ok if you don't. That's why I'm keeping this journal thing. You're going to be so mortified about how you used to be. I hope you don't hate me for messing things up with layton so badly. I'm trying to fix them, I love him so much, but I'm not sure how to do that because he won't tell me what parts I managed to fracture.

God, how I wish I could talk to you. To know that everything is ok. I want to see you married and with that little clone. I want to see you as a professional photographer, rich and famous. Or maybe not rich and famous since money and fame are the root of all the world's problems it seems. I just want to see you happy. I just want to see that you're living well. That you're alive and kicking.

You are a lot stronger than you think you are. Addictive personality or no. You can make it if you really try hard enough. Just take that jump and have faith that it will fail miserably. I'm sure the unknown isn't really too terrible.

Present Self