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Broken record stuck on - "kill yourself."

The end of the day has just been worsening progressively. Brought on in part by my paranoia. Everything I do and say is wrong. Layton yelled at me a lot. Because I didn't know when he wanted to leave and was very confused as to what he wanted. And then when I put the bottle of absente in his car he yelled at me 'for throwing it in upside down' when I sat it down and it fell over. Then I just broke down. Had to calm down before I got home, and I think I've got it under control now, but I still just want to lay down in bed and cry my eyes out. But I can't because there are no walls or doors to downstairs now and I don't feel like having mom come up and try to talk to me. I don't know why everyone hates me and doesn't want to be around me. Am I just that unpleasant of a person?

What am I doing here?
What am I waiting for?
Will somebody fall from Heaven and join me on the floor?

Why am I holding out, pretending it might make sense?
I will not understand this any better then.

If Sugar Falls all over me
If Sugar Falls then we'll see
So, I'll wait, as I always wait, as I always wish for something more

What if I try escaping
hoping for some repair
and then what if all of this
Heartache follows to find me there?