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Feliz Navidad

Well, I'm not really celebrating christmas this year... and it actually feels good. Not in the sense that everyone else does anyway. Tomorrow I will do nothing but avoid everything x-mas related. Stayed home with the pets instead of going out with everyone else.

I don't like holidays of any type as I'm sure it has become well known. Christmas is the worst. You have so much expected of you, even when it's said that you don't. And that's a terrible feeling, to feel obligated to do things for people that you wouldn't normally. Especially when you're broke as fuck and your lively hood depends on the people around you. I'm happy to be able to celebrate everything in the way I want to. Won't have to be social, no religious crap, don't have to fake excitement over something I don't want. Nothing. Just breath deep and zelda and x-files myself to death.

It's always so irritating to me that I'm so damned helpless and I get so tired of being dependent on everyone for every little thing that I do. I guess that's why I isolate myself and push everyone away so much. It's because I feel guilty for having to ask for things that I can't pay for. And it's stupid things too. Stuff that I can't live without. Food, clothings and a place to stay. I can't do a single damned thing for myself. And it gets so embarrassing when people I haven't seen for some time ask me what I'm doing with my life. 'Job?' 'Nope.' 'School?' 'Nope.' 'So what do I do?' 'Um... nothing. I'm too crazy for anything.' And that just makes me withdraw more. Is it really much of a wonder that I'm so depressed and often suicidal? My life is so deep and meaningful it hurts. : | I don't want to burden everyone with my empty sucking existence.

Today I bought a couple pizzas with 20 of the 40 that elizabeth gave me for christmas, meat for layton, veggie for me. It's going to be my food while everyone is gone. She also gave me a neat little box. Didn't want layton to pay because he does it so often. Pays for everything. Got a stupid stuffed-sock maker thing from roz a couple days ago. It's cute. :) Layton built me a fire before he left. That was nice of him but I don't know how long I'll be able to keep it going for.

I don't think I'm going to participate in christmas anymore after this. I appreciate the thought, but I don't appreciate not being able to give it in return.

Bonnie