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My Encounter with God

I have found god. Yes, that's right. I've found god. I'm sure the world will be glad to hear it. Yes. Anyway, I found him hiding in what mom made my sock drawer. Still pissed off about that one. Whenever I go to look for socks I find pants, or was it shirts? And when I go to look for pants I find socks. It bugs me. I know it would be really simple to change it back to the way it was but that's just how lazy I am. Yeah, anyway, god was hiding in my sock drawer. He seems to have shoved a stick up his butt (not really surprising), attached himself to one of my latex gloves and dressed up as Santa Claws. I know it's him though. He can't disguise himself from me. Anyway, I'm going to go bash his head in for being such a rotten bastard towards me when I wake, unless I grow some unnatural fondness for him before then. Heaven forbid. Now that would be just awful.
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Well, it seems god found out about my plans to bash his head in this morning. He snuck off in the middle of the night on one of our flying tea saucers with my last bottle of gin and the spoon I found when I was drunk. Or that's what the brown fuzzy thing in the corner of my room tells me in between puffs on his pipe. He said that God was having an affair with the spoon, he liked the flatness of it, and that when I discovered him he feared the worst. That's why he had practically glued himself to the glove and tried to dress up. I don't blame him. I mean, I WAS going to try and kill him and all. Now that I've found out about the spooning thing though, well, that just makes me even angrier. I loved that spoon and I'm never going to be able to forgive myself, let alone god. Where did I go wrong?
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This is just plain depressing now. It's 2 in the afternoon and my cow will NOT SHUT UP! He keeps complaining about how I pierced his ear with a safety pin. Says it hurts. I keep telling him to get over it so that I can get back to mourning the loss of my beloved spoon. He just won't stop though. I'm about ready to chuck him in the garbage disposal. It would serve him right. God still hasn't returned. I found a homicide note though. It seems that Count Chocula has decided to take out Lamb Chop because he doesn’t like the way he's always forced to play along. There was a PS at the bottom from Barbie. She's going to go with Count and have a barbeque after he's done.
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So I was able to pull myself out of this drug induced state for long enough to walk outside. Once there I slipped on a pile of small bb's and open condoms thus causing me to fall and crack my head on the side of a concrete wall my mom keeps the plants in. They'd get loose and run rampant if she didn't. Anyway, the green kangaroo said she was sitting in the window watching everything. I was in a comatose state for 3 days bleeding everywhere. I know this was god's doing. He doesn't want me to find him. This massive blood loss has caused everything to be very blurry and disorienting. I think I should probably go crawl back in the house, while being very careful not to get dried blood anywhere, and go lie down in the bathtub. I hope it isn't full this time. Last time it was and I kind of drowned.
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Wow, this is all really crazy. I've been without my poor spoon for 4 days now and I feel like a prune. Yeah, the tub was full of water. I was smart this time though and I laid in it face up. Still slightly confused as to how everything has come about. My beanie mini's have been explaining it to me. It sucks that I can't understand them. I wish they wouldn't talk so much and all at the same time. I suppose it could be worse though. Not sure how but I'm sure it could be. Ah, I think I'm going to go back to sleep now. When I wake up I'll probably venture outside again, this time watching where I'm going. God, you won't get me this time!
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Oh dear. It's been 5 days now. All prune like and still very bloody and wet I ventured carefully outside. I was met there with the surprise of my life. Lamb Chop overpowered Count Chocula and strung him up by his nose where the guy promptly died. Barbie was decapitated and her bloody corpse is now laying in the middle of the gasoline soaked grill waiting for someone to toss a match. If I can find one I will but they're currently missing so I can't. Spoon, oh spoon, I miss you so! God, oh god, I'm going to fucking kick your sorry ASS!
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My spoon is back! I'm so overjoyed! It all came about when I heard a ruckus in the living room around midnight of day 6. Snuck up behind them and took a hammer to the tea saucer. It'll never fly again. Caught them trying to sneak back in. Apparently god has some stomach issues and they were coming back to steal my pepto bismol. Couldn't just be happy with the Gin. Oh well, at least my spoon is back after almost a week. God was punished severely. I not only bashed his head in but I also lit the stick up his ass on fire and then shoved what was left of him in the ground. He looked like a nice candle. Oh joyous day! My spoon is back! God be damned! I am now once again a happy camper who needs to lay off the acid.

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Comments

( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
satanic_buddha
Apr. 7th, 2004 05:15 pm (UTC)
heh
Ha ha ha ha... when I first started reading, I was getting worried that you really found god.
schwarzkatze
Apr. 7th, 2004 06:04 pm (UTC)
Re: heh
Heh, yeah, that was kinda the point of the thing at the beginning. And I'd think you'd know me better than that. If I ever start going all churchy, please, shoot me. Anyone at all.
parasitickleech
Apr. 7th, 2004 10:41 pm (UTC)
Re: heh
wish I could write a story like that.
schwarzkatze
Apr. 7th, 2004 10:43 pm (UTC)
Re: heh
And I wish I could write poetry like you. There, we're even now.
parasitickleech
Apr. 8th, 2004 04:17 pm (UTC)
Re: heh
Hmm... but that story was actually pretty cool. Don't really think my poetry is all that good, but eh... thankx all the same I'd suppose...
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )