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Bleeding heart strikes again

Feel so fucking terrible.  Hoped that today would be better than last night but it just ended up being 10 times worse.  Todd woke me at 6 in the morning and my mom wouldn't shut him up.  He was barking for a good 15 minutes solid.  At nothing.  So I woke up and was reminded of how terrible life is right now.  And ended up crying myself back to sleep an hour or so later.  Didn't end up waking back up again until sometime after 11.  Didn't know if I was supposed to visit james or not.  Tried to call him, guess he was asleep or something.  I was wiped out.  Just couldn't get up any energy for anything.  

It took a long time to feel even slightly better.  Then I walked outside.  Almost 5:30, and saw my flowers, the morning glories, all but dead.  Todd had been locked outside after mom left for work at 7:30.  He dug them up.  Just mine.  Missed all my mom's plants.  He didn't even dig on his regular side.  Moved just for and over mine.  They hadn't even bloomed, were still just barely sprouts and the stems were broken and crushed.  Everything I have a hand with dies or is killed.  I couldn't take it.  Saw it and was devastated.  Reminded of everything all over again.  Layton got upset at me and said he would buy me new ones.  Yelled at him that I didn't want new ones and ran upstairs to cry.  I couldn't stop.  Even now I can feel tears.  I had tried so hard to make sure that they would survive.  Had hoped that they would, was so happy when they sprouted.  Hoped it meant they were an exception to my rule.  When it was time for them to be transplanted I made sure that they were planted on the side of the garden where todd doesn't dig so that thet wouldn't happen.  Watered them every day except for this last week.  With all the rain it wouldn't have mattered.  And I knew that they would eventually end up in a bad way, but I still hoped differently.   Don't know what the point is in trying.  It always ends the same.  I destroy everything.  Everything always ends in pain because of me.  Sometimes I hate having this cursed thing inside me.  I don't want to keep doing this.  Never should have started.  I can't love.  Can't care.  There is nothing but hurt.  

My mom tried to replant them, but I have no hope any longer.

Cannot have anything more than distant friends.  If you value your life and loves, stay away from me.

Picture of the day:  VW