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Well, I'm now sad and I don't expect to get to feeling much better anytime soon.

I decided to once again try to transfer over some old entries and I don't think that was such a hot idea, even though I've been putting it off for far too long. It just dredged up stuff that I didn't really need to think about right now... Now I'm spending my time nursing old wounds which have inadvertently been torn wide open again.

Gaming. It's something I've given up on. The only way I'm ever going to be able to rp is if I'm playing a MMORPG or a video game. (speaking of which) No one seemed to like me doing it anyway, least of all tristan, or that's the vibe I got from him anyway. I don't give a fuck if anyone tells me otherwise. Couldn't do it due to my lack of being able to communicate, understanding people (people who understand what I'm going through) and people who I know well enough to be open with in the first place. Couldn't handle the testosterone and feeling like a fish out of water, which figuratively speaking, I was. It's also literal to an extent too. I mean, I fucking tried to participate, but because I'm so fucking shy and everyone else is so fucking loud that you can just forget everything. Open up to say something, say it, nope, no one heard you. Close your mouth, think about it, try again. Still, no one heard you. Even the people who are less than a foot or two away. Give it up. You're just there taking up space and time along with other valuable resources... don't dwell... FUCK! I just can't fucking get over this and right now I'm not sure if I want to cry or tear someone to shreds. I'm not even sure what I want to say... goddammit.

I just think it's unfair that people are such assholes to me over shit I can't control. And I'm talkin everyone, so don't think I'm talking about one specific person.

After I got done downstairs and walked up to my room I happened to glance over and see my books. I was just filled with such overwhelming hate, sadness, betrayal and pain that I about collapsed there to cry. I wanted to just grab everything run to our fire place and just burn it all. Burn any and all reminders. I'm sorry that my brothers got me wanting to play D&D and that brett introduced me to V:tM. Maybe if that hadn't, then I wouldn't have ever collected or tried it and my life would be fine in that aspect.

Hey, here's a fucking great idea, maybe I should go back to playing runescape, only I think it's become too advanced for my crappy computer and internet connection to handle.

Picture of the day: The Redwall Mole