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Ok and wow. It's when I do shit like this that makes me totally reevaluate my friendships with people and take a good hard look at what I am doing wrong. And I do a lot of things wrong. With most though it's a little thing like not communicating with everyone just because I'm too afraid or I don't know what to say. Like with christina. For the past couple days now I've been wanting to say hi to her, and maybe talk a bit, but every time I try to start I have a little teeny panic attack and almost fall out of my chair. Seriously. :| It's terrible. And then when I gamed with james back in the day, I would feel like a fish out of water. Mouth gaping and flopping around. And my mouth would gape too. I would want to say something, so I would open my mouth to say it, but then I would freak out and shut it again. And open and shut. Very fishy. FUCK! I just hate it.

But those are just the little things. It's the big things that make me really hold myself up to the light. And only I can do that best. :) Only I can really see my flaws. And god knows I wish it weren't true, but it is.

I made layton go food shopping with me today. Up at sams club. My mom got a pizza from there, finley wanted it, I don't like their pizza. Actually I can unfortunately say that about a lot of their food, or the not pre-bagged stuff anyway. It has a tendency to make me feel really sick when I eat too much. That pizza though, just a couple bites and I'm done. :( And it's not really that it tastes bad... it's just something that they do or have in it. And yeah... I think sams is a part of walmart anyway. Don't know for sure, but I think. Anyway, we went food shopping because my mom was getting kind of bitchy about me making sandwiches for him with the lunch meat. And I made layton say yes to buying me a big thingie of m-something cherries that were around 6 dollars before I put it back. I don't ever know how to spell that word... whatever. I have fun doing that. Just making him say yes, not actually making him buy the stuff. It makes him laugh, and this time he made me laugh while I was doing it. Just his commentary throughout it. 'Wait for it, wait for it... there goes!' He knows what to expect. Most of the time it backfires on me though and he ends up buying it anyway. That's when it bothers me. So we went up to sams and we got some lunch meat, starfucks coffee bottles and little sandwiches. I think that's it...

He also got a new coat while we were up there in the area. I guess he just got tired of his old one not getting replaced and it needed to be done soon or he wouldn't be able to do it for another year. And the way he put it, he's never around when his mom is around and vice versa. So it just wasn't getting done. And now I have his old one. Need to sew up a few holes to keep the sleeves from falling apart but I'm just keeping it for emotional comfort reasons not to actually wear out and about, so it shouldn't matter much.

Picture of the day: the doors 1

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
onebloodymess
Jan. 21st, 2006 12:02 am (UTC)
I won't bite.
schwarzkatze
Jan. 22nd, 2006 07:17 pm (UTC)
I know. It's still really hard though.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )