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Jan. 5th, 2006

Oh boy. I don't know what to do, say or think. I'm cutting off almost all contact with the outside world until I can get myself under control. This is bullshit. I'm taking out all my anger and frustrations on everyone around me. I know that it's showing to mom, that getting off this medication is bad, since I'm always around her and she's going to want to force me back on. So I'm going nuts. I wish it was closer to april so I didn't have to see jane for much longer. Once a week, with my mom going every other one, is really bad.

I wanted to steal some sharps from the doctor yesterday. Was so tempted to steal a couple of their needles and tubes, even though I hate them. They left me alone with them for quite some time. I was amazed when the doctor was taking my blood. Watching it squirt into the tube. It came out almost black. I don't quite know if that's normal... I always thought that it was supposed to be a brighter red. But nope, mine was as black as blood can get. Odd, very odd. I really wish that they could find somewhere else to stick that damn needle other than the inside of my elbow. I have bad veins there so when I get a stupid doctor they end up sticking me half a dozen times before they get it right.

Been thinking about getting another tattoo. Another one that I've been wanting forever. I want to get a spider web over my right shoulder. I remember the first time I brought it up around layton (or I think it was him anyway) and he told me that it was bad and not to do it because getting a spider web done signified that you felt trapped. Actually... come to think of it, that could have been allen, gary or kyle that told me that. Probably not allen because I think he has one on him somewhere... not that I care who said it anyway, because I'm going to get it fucking done anyway. And perhaps a black widow on my other shoulder. I can't find any non-tacky spiders though. And eventually a dragon, though I don't know where.

Still need to make an appointment with ssi. I'm scared to though. I don't know what I would do if I were turned down or rejected, not that I expect to be. I don't know what to do there, how to go about it, what if I was unable to make it or screwed up horribly?

HA! Fucking perfect. I just thought of something that would make for a delightful picture. Hehehe. Just have to filch all my medications from mom's room for about a hour or so. Fuck! That reminds me. I still have to get pictures of the pill field. That place has gone crazy. It's like someone held up a fucking pharmacy for everything they had. The apartments across the street have more than one meth lab set up so that might be why.

Picture of the day: Medicated America