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I'm going to fucking kill myself.

Well, I'm going back to being myself. May or may not be a good thing, the latter probably being closer to accurate. I'm drowning. Falling back down, getting back up, tripping and falling down further. Might be why layton feels so unloved of late. Don't know.

I ended up going out for a walk today by myself because I was mad about everything that had been going on throughout the day. A very long and slow walk, mostly alone until layton caught up with me on my way home. I was thinking about everything. When he finally got around me he told me that he was sorry for upsetting me so much today. I told him that it was ok because it wasn't his fault. It's the fact that I'm getting off my medication. Fucking clinical incurable depression. I hate this, but I hate those pills even more.

...
And mom just came in and gave me some stupid talking to. I hate living here. I can only think that it has something to do with the alcohol up in my room. Pretty sure that's what she's getting all huffy over anyway. Talking about her fucking word of wisdom and how she has standards and when she asks me not to do something she expects me not to do it here. I hate my life. IhatemylifeIhatemylifeIhatemylife. Why can't I just die already and get it over with? No more pain. I don't know why she can't just let me deal with my life in my way.

~edit~ yeah, my uv red is gone. fucking bullshit. I wish she would stay out of my god damn room.

Picture of the day: Winter's Kiss

SchwarzKatze: do you want me on or off the medication?
Psychopannychism: mmm... see that's a semi-difficult question
Psychopannychism: because on one hand you are a little more cheery and such on it
Psychopannychism: but on the other hand you hate it, I know that, you know that
SchwarzKatze: but do you want me on or off it
Psychopannychism: off, arifical happiness isn't true happiness
Psychopannychism: *artificial
SchwarzKatze: but I don't want to upset you
Psychopannychism: I know
SchwarzKatze: I don't want you to be upset because of me and my moodiness
Psychopannychism: moody is how and what you are
Psychopannychism: I need to learn to adjust and deal
Psychopannychism: and be accepting
SchwarzKatze: you shouldn't have to accept that
SchwarzKatze: or deal
Psychopannychism: but see, I know you hate those damned meds, seems like you're having an internal battle with yourself a lot being on them
Psychopannychism: like, yay, I'm happy, but deep down this really isn't me...
SchwarzKatze: I love you
SchwarzKatze: you're too good for me
Psychopannychism: and I love you too
Psychopannychism: and you know you're too good for me too babe
SchwarzKatze: no I'm not
SchwarzKatze: I hate my life

Comments

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
savvynavi
Jan. 3rd, 2006 09:50 am (UTC)
I think it's going to be really hard to love your life or even like it for that matter until you move out. That place is draining you of your happy life energy. That's how I felt at my place while my parents were still together. You have hope of survival... you just need to get out of there asap. I'm still available for use of chaparoning (sp?). I'm busy with my music project this month but I'd probably be able to squeeze in an outing or two. I will probably be more available in February though, less stressed anyway. I want to help you. :/
schwarzkatze
Jan. 6th, 2006 07:30 am (UTC)
Yeah, unfortunately if I move out with layton, as I probably will, I don't think things will get any easier for me unless he were to cut off all contact with his relatives, and I could never ask him to do that.

It's been awhile since we've hung out. Should make a play date or something when your life starts smoothing out a little more.
savvynavi
Jan. 6th, 2006 08:45 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I understand it will be hard... but I hope that once it happens, you'll have other options.. like maybe his parents will finally accept his dicisions and let him live the way he chooses? I'm probably dreaming but it's worth a shot.

And yes, I would love to hang out again. I'm sorry it's been so long, it's just not right. But I really haven't been seeing anyone on a regular basis, except for Tyler (we see him every Friday). I'm feeling that January will be the test of my life... after this month is over I will know where I stand as a human being.. ha. But anyway, after January I'll be bugging you and everyone else to hang out. I will definately appreciate seeing all my friends again.
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )