Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

I'm very tired and kind of sad. I want to lock myself away and hide somewhere. But I can only do that to an extent. I'm online right now because I was hoping to see someone on I could talk to, though I'm not sure who or how I would. But I didn't so now I'm talking to myself. Electronically penning my thoughts down. It's so depressing.

I don't know what to think about yesterday. It was borderline ok. I was stressing out that morning and sort of started taking it out on layton when he started second guessing my moves and trying to do it for me. He meant well and all, I know that, but I just wasn't in the best of... I don't know. Things got better when we got up to the mall. Didn't end up seeing wolf creek, or any other movie for that matter, because had we tried, we either would have had to leave halfway through the beginning, or we would have missed layton's appointment to get his ears pierced again. So we ended up wandering around in the mall from 1:30 to 5. At one point we went outside to find the gas station so roz could get some cigarettes. I sort of had a little debate with myself if I wanted to get some coke or not from there. Fate ended up saying I would. Then everything started getting shitty again. As I was walking back out I saw layton getting off the phone with someone. My initial thought was that it was his mom. Nope. Wrong. Please try again. It was his fucking grandma. And she was talking shit about me, AGAIN. She called him up to say that she didn't feel right about him going up to seattle because she was afraid of all the crazy people who are up there. He told her that he was fine and safe and that crazy people weren't going to fuck with him because he doesn't start stuff with people like that. THEN she made a comment about how yeah, because he's with one. I think it upset him enough because that was about the end of the conversation. He told her that she didn't even know me and got off the phone with her. And I know all of this second hand. I walked out at the very tail end of it, heard something about because she makes me happy, and that was it. I was too happy about finding the coke so I wasn't paying much attention to anything else. Hearing about it all infuriated me and I told him that I wanted to talk to her. He wouldn't let me though. Eventually she called back and apologized to him for saying what she did, calling me crazy, and I still didn't get to say shit. I can't fucking defend myself and no one else will do it for me. Fucking great.

I saw a shirt in body jewelry plus when layton was getting his ears done that exemplifies my feelings exactly on this entire fucking situation with that *cough* and just with everyone in general. It said 'people like you are the reason people like me need medication.' I know I'm going to get it (the shirt) eventually. It unfortunately fits my life to a T. But I like it for the sarcastic irony. Because people like me wouldn't need medication if the world were more loving and accepting.

Anyway, as the day wore on it went from bad to good and back again. Like a roller coaster. I was happy when I was able to go home and just go into the bunkhouse with layton and roz to watch movies and get drunk. And for awhile it was good again. Then we started watching high tension. That was bad and I'll never do that again. Layton started to get a little bit crazy. That lesbian chick in it kinda gets to him I think. It didn't get really bad until after everything was done and layton had escorted roz back in the house. I was packing everything up, trying to remove any and every trace that we were there with alcohol. And layton came back. And it got a little bit weird, but I know at one point I smacked layton on his head (I always do that) because he said something, don't remember what, about himself that I didn't agree with. And then he flipped out. He hit me right back, much harder, and I fell back onto the sofa and started crying. In shock sort of because that is so unlike him. He wouldn't hurt anything for the world, and yet he did it, he hit me. And I started to struggle to get back up and out of there with everything I was holding, to get away from him, but he kept forcing me back down and flipping out more. Asking why I was crying and what did he do. As if it wasn't obvious enough. Eventually I just screamed that he was turning into me and ran out crying. Roz had just started out and I told her to go back in the house. It took him awhile to come in himself, but he did eventually and when he did he went straight to my room. I ignored him and just stared at the computer screen trying not to cry more. Sat there for over a half an hour trying to do something, anything, to keep the confusion away, trying not to think, knowing that I had to face him eventually. And then I went to face him. I didn't want to let him touch me for the longest time. I wanted to feel safe, but I didn't feel safe around him. And he was fucking drunk. And I was fucking drunk. And roz was drunk downstairs. So I started packing up everything that he had so recently gotten me, the gamecube, ds, and other such oddities, planning on giving them to him and telling him not to come back. But I couldn't. I got the gamecube in the box, and the ds box out of the drawer, and then I stopped. I couldn't do it. I love him too much to ever make him leave. I can now say I understand why a lot of those battered women stay. Because they still love, even if they're not loved back. I also know that I deserved every shove that I got.

He decided that he was going to spend the night with me last night even though I kept telling him he needed to go home and come back tomorrow. He kept forcing his will onto me telling me to shush and lay down. And he didn't notice me crying. And then I had to deal with roz. She felt like she had been stabbed and was having problems going to sleep, let alone laying down and trying to be quiet. It was just too much. Trying to keep from getting caught with layton over, not by my decision, to keep from crying and to make roz feel better.

Today we worked everything out about as well as it can be worked. Didn't say anything really more about it. Forgot it happened you could say. He just told me that he's been feeling rather rejected and unloved of late, and that's what set him off. Tired and drunk. And that was as far as we got into it. He's promised never to do it again, and I suppose I trust him. He played bloodrayne and I sat there and watched. Eventually we went out for a walk. Walked around the school, talked a little and I watched the sky trying to find the big and/or little dipper. Failed miserably, but I could still see orion so I knew I was safe. Asked him if he thought that anyone else was out there, besides god, just watching us. Watching us all fuck up and screw ourselves over. And telling him how sometimes I just wish I could let go of this planet and go find those other people. Take off into the nothing and forever. Disappear. And when we were going back to my house he saw a stick and picked it up and was whipping it around a little behind my back. He told me after he got done, not to worry because he wasn't planning on hitting me with it, playfully or other. I responded by saying I know and that I trust him. Because I do, I trust him with my life.

I don't think I'm going to be able to do anything with anyone tomorrow. Told layton that. He can take roz out to see a movie if he wants, because I know he asked her to do something since he has the day off of work. But I'm not going to do anything. I just want to crawl under my bed and hide from everyone. And that is exactly what I plan on doing. Only without the bed part, because my bed has too much crap under it from my mom to hide under comfortably. I'll just be spending the day with myself. Shut out the world with my games, under my purple sky surrounded by my paper flowers, because I don't fucking need any of them.

Picture of the day: Who Are You...