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I don't do guilt.

I stole someones bunny today for roz. Or I think I did anyway. It was really small and brown, it looked wild, but it didn't run like it was a wild rabbit. Ran like it was domesticated, or stoned. I kinda opt for the stoned part due to what I saw it eating. Not pot, some other weird plant that you can get high off of. I've personally never tried getting high off it though. Anyway, she now has a pet. It's currently staying at my house until she can make plans for it. She's going to talk to tess and see if it can stay at her house, or possibly matt's if that doesn't work. And I guess if it can't stay at either of their houses, it's going to stay at mine, provided that she can give me like 5 bucks a month to feed it. If not it's going to have to be let go. Don't want to let it go, it's too cute. ^_^

Today at jane's I got to talk about my childhood and why I don't like people. I told her about the slug thing and it made me cry. It doesn't matter how much I try to deaden my emotions that is just one thing that always get's to me. For everyone who hasn't heard the story, when I was in the 5th grade I would save slugs from being squished by picking them up and putting them in the wetlands area. They were the closest things I had to friends. Anyway, one day I found this one that to me was extra special. It was able to stand up halfway. This amused me greatly and I stuck it in the wetlands. A couple kids saw me do this and because I was a freak and they were assholes they decided to have some fun. They picked up this slug that I had just saved, and probably would have taken home if it hadn't been in the middle of school, and proceeded to taunt me about it speaking very loudly on what they should do to it. Then they squished it. That one incident traumatized me really bad and it makes me cry every time I'm forced to think or talk about it. So she now understands a little more why I fucking loath and detest most people. Humans are disgusting creatures and they're not worth a lick of my time.

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Roz's bunny.

rachelsprayers no_reply@yahoogroups.com wrote:
--- In ParentsAgainstGoth@yahoogroups.com, Carrie Buchanan god_thinks@y... wrote:
<< Ok, so life story, lessee... I've been told by one friend that he considers me to be pagan.... endless fascination with everything in the occult... diagnosed at a very early age with depression and ADD and more recently with social anxiety disorder.... I get that a lot from everyone, the "she's not worth it," so it's gotten me to the point where I don't really care about anyone but myself and my s.o. It's also made me cynical and bitchy. Don't have many friends. Never did. Made fun of in school, shy, all that bullshit. It seems the limited time I get on the internet each day is my only connection with the outside world and even that is a struggle for me.>>
> Intresting email Carrie. Jus shows what bein a goth does to ya. No
> life, no friends, obsessed wi the occult till u go whacky in the hed.
> It sick.
> This is why gothic is so fuking dangerous. It fuks u up in the hed.
> Makes u all fuking mentaly brain damaged lik u and Rain.
> Rain got raped by goths an done that fuked up shit to her mom, and u
> go mental and depressive. Sad sad sad. U wonder why we want to stop
> this goth addiction ? Why we want goth banned? Becaus its fuking up
> kids like u guys. Look in a mirror bitch. Gothic is screwing up ur
> life, an ur letting it.
> Listen to RG and let him help ya. Never to late. He helped save me an
> he can help save u.
> Rachxx

You know calling me a bitch doesn't exactly make me like you anymore than I do already or help me towards your cause. Share of hands, who thinks I should listen to rach? Anyone? Nope, didn't think so.

Little girl, you need to sit down and shut up. Having an interest in something DOES NOT translate into an obsession. You know, that's a really big stretch saying that goth has ruined my life and made me depressed. 'Specially since I was diagnosed with depression in the 5th grade and I didn't become goth until I hit 10th and when I did so it changed everything for the better. In fact I think that stretch is almost impossible. And actually, lets delve into my life. I mean lets get really fucking into it.

I was always an outcast because I never developed the social skills most kids get from interacting with other people. Until I started school the only people I dealt with were my family and my church. Now why did I never develop these skills I wonder? I got glasses when I was in kindergarten and because of that all my peers, assholes like you, thought I was a freak and would poke fun at me for them. And it hurt. It hurt a lot and so I became more inverted. I was also a freak because my family isn't rich and I couldn't wear the latest fashions. We had to shop at value village most of the time. So my clothes were always used and weird looking. And when I learned to read, I read a lot. Everything I could get my hands on. You would never see me without a book in my hands Now, I tried to play with other kids but when they wouldn't just flat out ignore me, they would sit and make fun of me, calling me names. One very vivid memory was when I was walking along a wall in the 2nd grade and I glanced over at some kids playing 4 square. Apparently one of the other kids noticed that I saw them and he yelled out at me "quit staring you bitch." Real nice language for someone his age.

Eventually I got to change schools, they built one right next door to my house, and when I first found out that I was going to be doing so, I was ecstatic. I thought, hey, maybe I'll get a new start and I'll actually get to know some new people. Maybe I'll get to make some friends. Lucky me, it didn't work. Apparently my freakish rep followed me. I went home and hid in my room every day after school to cry. I was able to make on friend though, who was my best friend up until high school. Her name was jovan and while I don't talk to her anymore, we lost contact a long time ago, I still treasure her willingness to befriend me and make my life a little less lonely.

Now, when I was in junior high I tried that whole prep thing. Those stupid first down coats, tight ass jeans and shirts that don't leave anything to the imagination (not that I've ever had anything in the first place). Hell, I even tried tanning and bleaching my hair blond, which wasn't hard because my skin tone gravitates towards tan more than it ever has towards pale. I tried to get people to look at me and possibly talk to me. Still didn't work and any guy that did look at me just wanted to use me. I didn't like that. Then high school came around.

High school, those were the best years of my life. I decided to drop this stupid preppy ass mask that I was hiding behind and become myself. I became a goth, even though I didn't know it at the time. Didn't know that what I was doing had a name and that other people did it too. For fucks sake, the only reason I wore dark colors was because I live in washington and it's very cold up here. I wore dark because it absorbs heat more than white does. Anyway, after I did that people stopped looking at me like I was some idiot and actually looked at my face and said to themselves, "You know, she looks like an interesting person. I want to talk to her." And this at first shocked me but then I learned for myself that when you be yourself instead of wearing masks people will stop and notice. I made lots of new friends who appreciated me for the mind I had accumulated over all the years of solitude. And these people who decided to befriend me weren't goth. They were just ordinary people struggling to get by. How I found out that what I was doing had a name was when one day some girl walked up to me, out of nowhere, and asked if I was goth. I didn't understand and she didn't explain so I went out, looked it up and lo and behold, it was me. Actually I looked it up in the dictionary first and their definition for it didn't make much sense to me so I decided to use the school's internet during lunch. That helped me out a lot.

And anyway, to sum up this entire frigging 50 page essay that I have just written up, you have just made yourself look incredibly stupid and ignorant by implying that I am a freak because of what I had a natural tendancy to gravitate towards. Being goth didn't ruin my life. It made it a lot more easy to tolerate. It made me more friends and it made me feel better about myself because I don't have to strip down to being half naked and freeze my ass of to get people to stop and talk to me. I was actually able to cover myself up and stop caring what peoples opinions are. Because people who think down and talk down on someone else for no reason other than they don't like something they do aren't worth 2 seconds of my time.

And I'm not a kid sweetie. I'm 20 and even when I was 10 I was old. Wise beyond my years.


What did i ever do to you
that you should treat me this way?
is it really such a crime
for an angel to speak his mind?
in time i'll try to shed some light
if i were a big boy i wouldn't cry
but since i'm not a big boy i'll have to cry

what did I ever do so wrong
that you should cast me from grace
though I love to rule in hell here
how i miss the taste of heaven
its soft and cool embrace
if i were a big boy I wouldn't cry
but since i'm not a big boy
I'll have to close my eyes
and picture what's it's like

I'm just like you
im made by him
despised by they
I'm almost me
I'm nearly human look at me
I'm almost a human being
I'm just like you
made by him
despised by they
I'm almost me
i'm nearly human
pity me I'm almost a human being

I still remember your light
It was streaming down
and burning out my eyes
If I were a big boy i wouldn't cry
but since I'm not a big boy
i'll have to close my eyes
and picture what it's like

I'm just like you
im made by him
despised by they
I'm almost me
I'm nearly human look at me
I'm almost a human being

there tears are real
I'm jealousy I'm spite and hate
to the core I'm mean
I'm nearly human look at me
I'm almost a human being
I'm just like you
better than he
to hell with they
I'm almost me
I'm nearly human
Pity me I'm almost a human being

don't touch me
I couldn't bear the thought of it now
don't touch me
I couldn't bear the strength
don't touch me
I couldn't bear the thought of it now
touch me touch me touch me
don't touch me touch me touch me

Picture of the day: I love my Nightmare



( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
Jun. 7th, 2005 10:09 am (UTC)
That bunny is so friggin cute. If you have to get rid of it I'll take it and build it a nice chicken wire cage. I love bunnies!

I'd comment about your past, but I don't think I could say anything helpful. People are cruel, especially kids. But, how fucking irrational is that email you got though? Jesus Christ.
Jun. 8th, 2005 08:19 am (UTC)
I'll keep that in mind in case we do end up having to get rid of it. I would hate to just let it go again. I'm really hoping that roz can find somewhere for it because I don't know how long he would last around my house with our dog and my cat. Cryshade was trying to eat him today when I took the him outside for a walk.

Rachel is a flat out bitch. I've tried being nice to her but it just doesn't work. Don't know what her problem is. I mean aside from she's stupid.
Jun. 8th, 2005 01:33 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I can't really afford a bunny and my dad would strangle me, but if you need a place, mine is open.

Who is she and why do you communicate with her?
Jun. 7th, 2005 04:40 pm (UTC)
by the way, my bunny's name is Jackalope.
Jun. 7th, 2005 10:08 pm (UTC)
Re: bunny
Cool. :) I'll let him know.
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )