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I'm sorry

God, I really am a piece of shit. I hate myself so bad right now. And it's a monday in case anyone was wonders why... I wish I hadn't ever been born. I found out about something my dad said today while I was in with jane today. It made me cry. I guess he was talking to my mom one day and he asked her if she would like to go get an ultrasound to see what her bone mass was for osteoporosis. She thought about it for a moment and then asked if he would get one too. His response was a no because he's not worth it, only she is. That upset me a lot and I tried not to cry but I couldn't help it, so I cried. I cried and cried. Just couldn't stop. I even went into the library bathroom to splash cold water on my face and clean myself up after, but I just couldn't stop. I kinda yelled at layton because I wanted to leave and he wasn't moving. I walked up to him and said I wanted to go and when he didn't respond I kinda yelled now. I just didn't want anyone to see me how I was. He thought that I was mad at him for something.

I know I don't have any sort of a relationship with my dad. Never have. Always wanted one, but I can't. He's so god damn old, we're both silent types and him and I are polar opposites in everything. And because I can't it makes me want to just dissapear into the woodwork, but I know that would hurt him a lot. Our conversations most of the time consist of him asking me how I am and my responding with a very blunt 'fine.' That's it. And it depresses me. I wish I could just fall off the face of the earth. I never should have been born. An ungratful brat who should be shot.

I've been crying all damn day and all damn night. Right now I'm in a state of surreal numbness and suspended animation. I can't feel, I can't think, I can't move. Everything is just so out of place and I'm starting to hear voices again. And I can't stop crying.

Picture of the day: 000-149 I hate you-i love you


( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
Apr. 5th, 2005 06:01 pm (UTC)
*hugs* hang in there hun.
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )