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Self indulgent bitching

My remeron isn't working. I've gone back to feeling like shit for 75% of my awake time. And out of the 24 hours in a day, I spend almost 12 of them sleeping. I hate being awake. I hate the desolate and empty feeling I get whenever I get up and start moving. Even my little bit of online time feels like shit. I don't want to talk to anyone anymore, because if I do it's usually for ten minutes before I'm forced to sign off. It's too painful for me. Yesterday night, after I was forced off, my mood which was alright at the moment, swung 180º and I ended up cooking myself tired just to keep from crying. I wish I could explain to mom why I need her to take off this stupid limit, but she just can't hear me I guess. She can't understand. I crave attention and a good conversation, but I know I'm not going to get any of it any time soon. Not from anyone other than layton and my cat that is. I may end up cooking more again tonight, burning my hands some more, something to chase off these tears which I'm sure are making my eyes bloodshot. I can't do anything else. Well, I could go out and take a long walk out in the cold. Down the corridor or something. Oh and hey! Maybe I could go visit roz or someone! Ha ha ha. Like that would ever happen, excuse the sarcasm. I'll just go lay outside. That sounds best.

Picture of the day: Spy Change


( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 13th, 2005 07:38 am (UTC)
Hey, I know how you feel. Well, at least part of it. I could come hang out whenever, because I've got nothing better to do either. Besides, anything is better than being awake just because you can't sleep anymore.
Jan. 13th, 2005 11:02 am (UTC)
I'm so sorry I'm not online a whole lot anymore. So so sorry. I'll write myself a note right now. Call Carrie tomorrow.
Jan. 14th, 2005 12:52 am (UTC)
Dude, it's fine, you have your things that you like to do and it's not like you HAVE to be on to talk with me. I just kinda wish I knew more people so that I could get out more. And half the time I really don't know what to talk about anyway. I'm dull like that.
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )