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What is love really?

Man, I'm listening to this song I downloaded by Human Drama called 'Madam Hate's Mad Search For Love,' long title, and anyway I can really get what the song is talking about. I don't think I've ever really knew what love is. Not to the full extent anyway. I tried to talk to my councilor about it and she was telling me it was normal for me to be feeling this way but I don't think she really understood. I know this, the way I am, isn't normal in any sense. My mom kinda freaked one day when she realized I had stopped saying I love you to her and everyone else. But I can't say it, I won't lie anymore. I mean, she's family and all, they all are, and I care for them as I should, but I don't actually LOVE them. It's more of a mandatory like. I've had crushes and such, but I think I can say truly that I have only loved possibly two people in my life. They know who they are. For a while I was chasing the feeling, temporary or not, with a vengeance before I realized that I would have to let it come to me. It was so easy as a kid, to be able to say it and not have to worry about the repercussions of what saying it might mean later on. It's so easy to say it, but to mean it, that's a lot harder. Heh, I remember the first time I said it to layton. I just went into shock, it just rolled so easy and I didn't regret saying it or want to take it back. I actually meant it. Still do. And then the day that I realized that it wasn't in vain, that he really loved me back. I've only known of a couple of people who feel the same way about love. It doesn't exist for them and never really has. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry. It's so sad. I'd really like to burn that song to a CD right now but I'm gonna have to wait until later tonight or tomorrow when I have a good 60 or 70 min or so worth of music. Right now it's around 55. Don't want to waste a CD. I do that enough as it is and I don't exactly have an unlimited supply on hand. Shit, it's gotten to the point where I'm having to use CD-RW's because we're out of CD-R's. Mom is refusing to go out and buy more too. This is when I really wish I had some form of a job or something like that. Hey, I know, I'll go into prostitution. Haha, no, not really. Too many unknowns in that department of labour. And I'm pretty sure layton would get kinda pissed off at me for it.


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Feb. 18th, 2004 08:09 pm (UTC)
Sometimes I really have to wonder wether love really exists or not. Sometimes I think it's just the feeling of being attatched to someone. Like if you tell someone "I love you" you're really saying "if you left, I couldn't handle it". Of course, maybe it does exist, and I'm just over simplifying the feeling. I mean, if I was ever in love, it was deffinately with Kristen. I have to wonder about that feeling though.
Feb. 18th, 2004 10:32 pm (UTC)
Re: hmmm...
I remember my writing teacher, mr roberts, I don't know if you ever knew who he was, he read off a quote about love one day. It was something along the lines of I want to be the one who hurts you the most and the one who you makes you happiest, or something to that effect. Out of all the ones I heard through the year, that one stuck in my mind the most. I don't know if it was because someone had tp'd the trees outside for halloween though. Don't ask. I still wonder if I really felt that way for allen... Goddess knows I'm still gonna kill the rat bastard.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )