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So has it been two weeks yet?

I never wanted this to turn into a thing where I was only posting once every two weeks or whatever has ended up happening, but sadly, that's what it's become. :(

This job has been really nice. I'm enjoying watching Macy and Callie most days. There are the occasions when they're a royal pain, but those seem to be once a week at most. Yesterday was the pain in the butt day of the week. Today I managed to forget the protein bar that I'll eat for breakfast,

I think about once a week I've ended up taking them out or doing something with them. The first week it was them getting Burger King for lunch, last Thursday they got to make ice cream, and on monday, I had an appointment so they went to costco with me and got a pizza for Callie and hot dog for Macy, for lunch. Then we went to Fred Meyer where they got a jump rope and yo-yo each, for my peace of mind. Earlier in the day they had tried to use a necklace as one and FUCK it was noisy. When I asked if they had an actual jump rope to use they said no and said "Unacceptable, you need jump ropes. We will go buy some." They also got some bagels, which their mom insisted on paying for. I feel uncomfortable with her paying for stuff I'm buying. If she asked for it I would be more than happy to let her pay for it, but she didn't so... yeah. Bothers me.

Today was a little bit of a pain with Macy asking for salad for lunch, I suspect only for the crutons, like Callie was having only to not eat it. So I made her go sit on the sofa until she decided she was hungry and was going to eat it. Didn't happen. What did was her falling asleep, so after about 20 or 30 minutes I yelled at her to wake up and asked her to eat 3 bites and then she could go play. The part that bothered me wasn't her not eating it, because really, if you're not hungry there's no point in eating, but in the fact that she knew she didn't want or like it, and wasn't going to eat it, and despite all that her asking for it anyway. So for the rest of the day she's been told she's not getting anything like oreos or popcorn, things with sugar in them which I don't like giving them ANYWAY, until she eats the rest of it. Makes me feel bad. :(

Tomorrow I'm getting off because Callie is going up to her grandma and grandpas for her birthday which is this weekend. I'm really hoping I get to spend it with James because I haven't gotten to spend any alone time with him in... well, forever really, but I'm dubious about that happening at this point.

His water heater has been leaking for quite some time now, his dad doesn't take care of any problems as they arise and it makes what could have been minor things into major, and they're supposed to replace it today. As far as I know that hasn't happened yet. It's got James stressed and he was telling me that the mold has actually gone through the wall to the other side which is in his dad's room. :\

Alcoholism... Fucking ruins EVERYTHING.

I'm also thinking about going to sakura con this year in that I want to, and I know James wants to, but I can't pay for a hotel room up in Seattle for uh, 2 or 3 nights. Just for the passes to get in. Probably wouldn't be able to get anything there either. So I don't know how that would work. And it sucks because it's right before my birthday. :'( *sigh*

Hi lj

I just wanted to let you know I'm still alive and everything is fine. I'm no longer working at orion and as of today am working as a...

Dun, dun, DUN!



I'm really enjoying it. I'd forgotten how much I missed being around kids and stuff. Though it would make me a lot happier to be watching them at my house instead of at theirs for multiple reasons. One being their dad (who is lulzy in the closet) and that I don't like working around the parents of the kids in their house, they will tend to ignore you and do what they do normally thinking that their parents will rescue them, my rules are different from their rules (play with water creatively all you want just not on the carpet) and I don't know if I'm ok to go home or not when he's there. Like, how do I keep the kids busy and occupied in a way that's out of your hair and not forcing you to get involved from noise or something else? I dunno. Oh, but the funny. One of the two girls I was watching, macyn, is one who would be at charlene's when I was there.

But all in all, it's not so bad and I really did miss it.

I wonder how long it will go on for... ?

I swear.

As soon as I stop working...

I've just been so exhausted and depressed. The whole reason I hadn't quit in the first place was because I wanted to talk to Carrie, my therapist, first. So now I've talked to her and she agrees with me that the job, no matter how temporary, is not worth my mental or physical health and well-being. She did also say that she was very, I dunno, proud of me? for being able to last for as long as I have. That's not the exactly correct phrasing, but it's somewhat close. According to her, most of the Aspies who go into that shop will quit after 2 or 3 days, and I've lasted about 2 weeks. Probably because of all the vacation time in betweens. So I told her I was going to go in for another week, just to try it for a little longer, and then go in to see Marueen about how it's been and tell her I want to do something else.

Today I couldn't even manage to get up and go in I was so upset, so I had to call in sick. I was under the impression that I was supposed to have today off and had things planned that I was going to do. Have James come up and take him out to get a coat or two. So it ended up being a really terrible morning, lots of crying going on, and I couldn't stand one because it feels like no one has been listening and I don't feel that I know how to articulate myself correctly so as to get my point across. Carrie also said though that if I feel like people aren't listening I can use her instead to get the point and even have her talk to them for me. I'd really rather avoid that though, because I've been having other people do that my entire life and I can't have a mediator forever. Have to learn it myself sometime, even if I am never any good at it.



So happy holidays to everyone. Merry Christmas, Yule, Festivus, Solstice, Happy Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or whatever-ah else I'm missing-a. I actually started this 25th but never managed to post it due to an interruption, so it's been added onto over a period of days.

Oh, and Happy New Year when that comes around in a few days.

Everything elseCollapse )

Woo, 3 days! It's a fuckkin record!

Work today was a little better than yesterday. Drank too much coffee though since I was really tired today so I'm feeling a little bad. It's hard to remember sometimes how sensitive I actually am to caffeine since I don't get much. And I'm having to take the bus for a little bit with some transit helper guy. He's basically just riding with me until I know the route, at which point he stops and I no longer have to take the bus to or from work ever again. And I do mean that. What would have been a 30 minute drive home from work (or in my case, ride, since my mom is the driver) turned into a 2 and 1/2 hour wait and ride, while feeling sick from the caffeine on 2 incredibly crowded busses with a guy who I don't particularly care much for. I guess he's ok, but he's got some creepy weird nails that bug the crap out of me and I don't get at all. Don't think the sick I was feeling today, or the upset I was feeling when I met him yesterday, helped my opinion of him any. :( Oh well, he's just helping with the bus for a few days.

In other news, my mom alerted me to more family drama. And oh boy, oh boy. Melissa, uber-repub, drama whore extraordinaire, has outdone herself in disgusting by leaps and bounds.

What is this I don't evenCollapse )

It's... I have to go to bed. I suppose if more ends up coming up, or if I just feel like it, which I really don't know if I will since it is Melissa, I can put down more of my thoughts on the matter tomorrow. I'm not sure if I will or not though since James is supposed to be coming up. EEEE, I miss him sooooo much. My fantastic. Needless to say though, if I ever see her again, and I know I've made this threat in the past and never followed through, she'll never visit this house again.

Oh hai

I'm so tired today. And bitchy too. Worked my first full fucking day at orion. It was stupid and I hated it. The work was easy though, albeit boring as hell, and I'd like to think I accomplished more than everyone else who was doing the same job.

I hate even more though, how short term of a notice I got about it. The call I wasn't expecting to get for months because it was supposedly "so slow," I got on Thursday telling me to come in on Friday for orientation and that I would start working Monday. T.T

The shop is dirty, noisy, and today I was late. My mom was supposed to drive me to work since I have no idea how the busses, to and from, work yet. So I had nothing to eat and even less in the way of sleep thanks to Mary.

Mary who smokes like a chimney, has to have the heater upstairs running full blast so my room turns into a furnace, AND needs to have her fucking phone surgically implanted INTO HER GODDAMN FACE. If anyone is going to get brain cancer from phones it will be her. GET OFF THE PHONE MARY. When she's not on it, it's usually going off with someone calling her who doesn't know how to leave a message. Possibly because she doesn't know how to check them? I dunno. But Tim, her husband, is ALWAYS calling over and over and over. And then when he can't get ahold of her he'll start panic-calling my mom. More than a little creepy imho.

She was supposed to move out by the 15th but as of today that's not happening so it looks like I'll be living down in my parents room on their spare bed until next month. Tomorrow I was hoping to see James, but Orion, I assume, are having someone come by at 4 to help me get familiar with the bus routes.

Oh, and I hate the goggles I have to wear over my glasses, so I think I'm going to ask Maureen if I can get some prescription ones. *crossing fingers*

Rawr. Angry.

But! I got a shiny new 360 (the short touchy one) and have been playing a lot of Fallout New Vegas. My least favorite out of them all, too glitchy for me to ever be fully satisfied with, but it's still enjoyable.


I do realize the opinion seems to be increeeedibly unpopular, especially when you're as far to the left side of the spectrum as I am, but FUCK. We execute far too few of the right people, and we do it in the wussiest of ways. Why should it matter if you're too fat to hang from the neck until you're dead? THE WHOLE POINT IS FOR YOU TO DIE! Afraid of needles? Too fucking bad. And for that matter, why do we have to use sterilized needles and clean the area to be injected? You're dead, it's not going to matter. You can't get an infection or die of aids.

I dunno, I think we just need to bring back the guillotine and start having good old fashioned beheadings again. Life in prison is not much of a punishment unless you're living in some crappy third world country or in pre-1800's.

James and I have had a couple of conversations about it, and he disagrees in the point that he finds life to be precious and worth keeping around. I remember what initially brought it up was when he was drunk and got really upset because Chris said he thought it was acceptable. And I mean he got REALLY fucking upset. To the point where he was screaming and not listening to anyone else's opinions on the matter. And I do agree for the most part. Right up until you go out and show such cold and callous disregard for the life and lives of people around you. If you kill your kids because your new boyfriend or girlfriend doesn't want any, you've forfeit your own right to life. With drunk driving, that would have to take a couple of times. First one you would get to consider it an accident, and take all the punishments of what you normally get now, life in prison is fine. A chance to reform and show remorse, ok. Repeat the offense and then you've just said that you obviously didn't care the first time and that's when you forfeit everything. My opinion is very strong on this matter and I think the only thing that could possibly change it would be severe brain damage. I even hold the same opinion when it comes to myself and the people I care about most. If you're going to do something that incredibly stupid, sorry but bye bye.

And I suppose the thing that brought it up today was the guy who tried to bomb the Oregon tree thing. That was just a little bit too close to home for me to be comfortable with. He acknowledged everything that he did and showed no remorse for it even when it was pointed out that there would be children there. People like that don't deserve the option of life in prison. Give them their fair trial, fine, but if they're found guilty don't give them life. Plus he looked funny, and not in the haha sort of way. More like the kind where I want to take one of my good boots to your face because I don't like to look at it. :\

In regione caecorum rex est luscus.



At least it's not cancer

Ok, so! The show on Friday with Layton was fun. It reminded me why I liked In This Moment so much. Forgot my camera though, would have been perfect to take it with. I did managed to get body slammed by a very large group of male people, one right after the other who apparently couldn't just walk by to get into the area where people were moshing. >:( I was well in the back trying to stay away from all that. Other than that little bit though, it was good. Suppose it's good I'm not pregnant otherwise I'm sure I would have probably miscarried from the force of impact. (haha)

On the walk down to it I made a comment to Layton about how my collection of Asian things (mostly in reference to film) is going to end up growing exponentially now that I've got some money. It made him laugh. It's true though. I am just such a freak about Asian cinema. Chinese, Korean, Japanese, Hong Kong, Thai, anime, live action... all of it. There is very little I've seen that I dislike. I wish I could pinpoint exactly what it is I enjoy so much about them, besides the fact that I'm a fucking dork. It bothers me that I can't, because I could tell you exactly, down to the tiniest bit, why I hate modern American movies, but I can't say why exactly I like everything else.

I'm feeling very ADD at the moment and it's not fun. Making it hard to concentrate on any one thing right now.

Saturday I didn't go to the mercury. Never ended up hearing back from Matt. Guess that was fine, whatever.

Today it has been snowing all day. Inches. Leon was enjoying it while I was outside with him. Ran around all over everywhere and was catching snowballs and eating them. So cute. I was able to build up a fire when we came back in and kept it going because I was uncomfortable with how much the heater was going and I was home alone after 3 until about 7 or 8.

Had a lot of time alone to think.

My mom doesn't like driving in the snow at all, so today ended up being very stressful for her. My dad is having some problems and she ended up having to take him to the hospital where they stayed for most of the night. My dad will not go to the doctor for anything, so when he goes, you know something is wrong. It can be incredibly traumatizing. Mary was freaking out because she didn't get my mom's text telling her where they were and was asking me questions that I didn't exactly know how to answer. All I could tell her was that I couldn't talk about it, my mom has sworn me to secrecy, and I'm sure everything was fine. And it turned out that it was. Just kidney stones.

Having Mary around with all this *stuff* happening is not good though. She's the sort of person who can't keep her mouth shut to save her life. And I suppose for the most part I can't either, but I know when it's inappropriate to talk about certain matters. The only person I talked to about dad's problem was with James. It's... hard to think about because I don't care exactly, but I still do worry.

All the thinking, it's fried my brain.


I seriously hate how lazy I've gotten about updating. Shame on me. :(

Anyway, hi.

Haven't been too terribly busy. Halloween was boring as fuck. I seriously did nothing, just got to carve my pumpkin a few days before and that was about it. Layton had said earlier in the week that if he was going anywhere that I was going with no matter what. And, of course, he did go out... and I did not go with. Everything went just as I had expected because I'm an easily forgotten person. He did ask James though, but James decided he wanted to come up and spend the day with me. Was feeling pretty depressed about it all, so it was all very welcome and I appreciated it more than he'll probably ever know. Especially when Layton started texting me about how his night was going. Then I just handed my phone off to James so I wouldn't end up getting any more depressed than I was trying not to be already. It ended with us just watching a Addams Family marathon that was on tv. I think that's one of, if not, my all time favorite show.

If people don't like me, or if someone knows that someone else doesn't, I wish they would just tell me. I hate how fake the world is and how much harder this falseness makes it to navigate.

The next day Layton came over before heading home, no idea why that was, but he looked like complete and utter shit. Told me he had been puking every 2 hours like clockwork. And so, even with as annoyed as I still was with him, because I can't be mean, negative or angry towards anyone no matter how hard I want or how much they may deserve it; I made him eat a banana, gave him 2 glasses of milk and kept offering him other foods right up until the point where he decided he was ok to make it home. Was good in that I was able to give him the bananas that I had for James.

And Wednesday, I had a day to make up for all the crap. My new glasses came (they're blue now), James picked up his final results for his GED (passed with flying colors), and I got a call from the SSI office saying I've been approved for disability. So my "income" has now doubled from 300 some odd dollars plus food stamps to something like 640 and I'll still be getting 200 for food. This is exciting for me because it means I can now seriously entertain the idea of being able to drive, among other things. :) I plan to go out to eat with James at a Korean or Thai restaurant too. Oh, I also plan to go out and get a big fat sub sandwich from subway. It's amazing what sorts of things you'll start missing when you can't get them anymore.

On Friday I ended up going down to Layton's for the night and it was quiet and nice. The exact opposite of when I was down there last time. Saturday Layton wandered off with Nick to pick mushrooms out in the middle of the woods. Chetty was really upset by it because he's trying to take care of his life, and Layton isn't exactly being cooperative despite the fact that he accepted him as a roommate. I *tsk-tsked* because Layton knows how I feel about his going out to do that. When they came back Nick ended up stopping in. Apparently this was horrible for me because, despite the fact that it was only 2 minutes at most, I ended up having a horrible panic episode and when I couldn't deal with it anymore I took a zoloft and called Layton to say I was sorry and explain that I can't have Nick around me in any way shape or form. There is just something about him that triggers major distrust, disgust, and now panic. But I don't want to get in the way of anyone's friendships and know random encounters are inevitable, so I'm only asking to be warned in advance before these people come around so I can vacate the area.

I'm just trying to get my shit together and to a somewhat normal state, so I really can't deal with people who cause the post traumatic stress to get any worse. :(
My Political Views
I am a left social moderate
Left: 5.31, Libertarian: 0.15

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My Foreign Policy Views
Score: -4.39

Political Spectrum Quiz
My Foreign Policy Views
Score: -4.39

Political Spectrum Quiz