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I'm glad that the holidays, all of the giant bundle of them, are over now. I can finally rest. After the 26th everything calmed down and I was finally able to see James again. He's been up, I've been down, and it's been nice. I have especially enjoyed the past 4 days. On New Years eve Layton brought me down there to his house for the night while he went out to the Mercury. I spent the night there with James, and Mike visited. It was nice.

Today he came up after work and watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind with me. I picked up and replaced my fullscreen copy with a widescreen while I was at Target with my mom. Suppose I'm lucky that they had it since it's 'old,' but at the same time, it's one of the few movies I think will stand the test of time, so it shouldn't be so surprising. I don't know. I'm constantly trying to get him to sit down and watch movies that I know he'd like, but it's so hard to do. But that's one down. And it was good. I also picked up '200 classical cartoons' for 5 dollars and was watching some of those. Most, if not all, of them are cartoons that can be found under the Internet Archive and weren't cleaned up too much if at all. But really, for that price, I won't complain. I'm happy as hell to have it.

After he left I sat down and ended up watching Carl Sagan - 'A Glorious Dawn' and some Cosmos, and made myself cry. Strange concept I suppose. Why should it upset me? It's the part where he says 'If we do not destroy ourselves we will one day venture to the stars.' I'm terrified that will never get to happen.

I claim no knowledge and minimal understanding, but I hold science as close to my heart as others might hold religion and it is so difficult for me to understand how hundreds and thousands of years ago we could have so deftly destroyed so much of the knowledge some individuals had discovered then out of fear of some greater otherworldly power. Even now we still do it, and it leaves me in agony. How much further could we have come as a species? Perhaps we would have been able to colonize other planets by now. Perhaps we could have been able to better understand how to save our own. And why can't we have fewer people like Beck, and more people like Sagan?

Eventually I was able to calm a bit by walking outside, closing my eyes and just breathing in. It rained recently so everything smells wet and clean. I wish I could see the stars, that has always had a calming effect on me, but the cloud cover prevents that a lot of the time here. I love the sky, I love the stars. I wish that I could go up into the mountains, away from the city lights, with my camera. One of my favorite memories from when I was a kid was when we were out camping up there. Just laying down in the middle of a clearing and staring up at the stars. You could see constellations of stars if you looked hard enough. It was enough to make one dizzy and feel like you were going to fall off the face of the planet. And it was one of the most amazing things I was ever able to experience, and probably will ever.

Awhile back I took Carl Sagan's recipe for apple pie and printed it out to put in my wallet. I wanted to also print one out on a card and put it on the fridge, and see how long it took to get a comment or taken down, but the printer decided it wanted to, at that exact moment, break down. Oh well.


Personally, I would be delighted if there were a life after death, especially if it permitted me to continue to learn about this world and others, if it gave me a chance to discover how history turns out.
- Carl Sagan