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Don't choke

I can't drink plain unflavored water. Just doesn't work with me. If I do try, 9 times out of 10, I will end up choking on it. So this ends up meaning, I don't get as much water intake as is recommended outside of food and stuff like milk, which I have a slight allergy to, or sometimes soda. I still try to drink it though. For the past few days I've been putting lemon in it. And it works, I'm not choking.

Today I haven't been doing so fantastic. I'm cold and feel sad. Today is one of those days that forces you to acknowledge how alone in the world you really are. And I keep trying to distract myself, but it doesn't work so well. It's just making me feel more and more isolated and less and less sure of where I stand. I woke up and I was alone. Except for Leon who was being adorable and twichy on the floor. He was doing sleep-kicks. The video really sucked though. I forgot to turn up the resolution on my phone before I started recording and it came out really dark and blurred. :( No good. So there has been Leon who sometimes comes upstairs to sleep in the morning and always sticks by me when mom isn't home, and I talked to James over AIM, and a little bit of Layton through text messaging. No physical human contact outside of my mom for possibly a minute between her getting home and then leaving again.

And that's all I can hear in my head. You're alone. Always alone. Born lonely, dies the same.

Oddly enough though, out of all the things that could, and should, distract me or make me feel better, the only thing that seems to do well in the slightest are the Silent Hill soundtracks. I don't know what it is about them, but it just makes me feel a little bit more melancholy and relaxed.

Yesterday James gave me a New Super Mario Bros. Wii beanie he got from work. It was nice of him to do, and I've been wearing it as much as possible. When I don't have the giant over-the-headphones on anyway. Keeps my ears warm. I think Chris deserves it more though.

The entire depressing debacle with my phone today has made me decide I am going to get a camcorder. So I did a lot of looking around on youtube for reviews and to see what the cameras actually could do in comparison to each other. I read some reviews too, looked at side-by-side specs, but the thing that really did it for me was seeing the "test" videos themselves. I know the Flip cameras are pretty popular, and I believe get the better reviews because of it, but actually seeing how the videos turned out... well... I decided I would rather have the Kodak Zi8. The videos came out better looking in almost all aspects. Day and night. My only gripe with it will probably end up being that the zoom can be one jumpy.

It will be good for me to have for Leon, and for James to use so he can make his own videos.

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( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
fly_among_stars
Nov. 29th, 2009 05:39 pm (UTC)
Old entry but I just read it, and a question came to mind.

"Today is one of those days that forces you to acknowledge how alone in the world you really are...You're alone. Always alone. Born lonely, dies the same."

Obviously that is exactly how I feel, but I always thought the problem was that I didn't have a significant other or any close friends. But I've noticed that you sometimes feel this way even though you have James, and I'm not sure why? Makes me wonder, maybe I'd still feel alone even if I was in a relationship.

BTW I added you as a friend on Youtube after seeing that video of Leon. I only have a few videos, but one of them shows my chihuahua, Ishboo!
schwarzkatze
Dec. 1st, 2009 09:24 am (UTC)
Well hum.

I've pretty much been in steady relationships since I was 16, some close, others not, but always with someone. So I think my sense of relationships is probably a lot more skewed everyone else's. I'm going to try and put myself outside of that though to answer your question.

S/O's can help with the loneliness that comes on, if you can manage to find the right person, and I think, if you can have friendships and be social outside of them. And living in an isolated area with no real forms of transportation, that's the part that I don't often get. And since we stopped living together my actual physical visits with him have gone down to once a week, twice if I'm lucky.

The hardest part is finding someone that you can put up with, and who can put up with you as well without feeling like you're settling for something below standard, like a girl who demands all your time and attention while not giving anything worthwhile back. I know a guy who is completely unhappy with his girlfriend that he has now. They fight a ton and she hates all his friends, but he still insists on putting up with her because he insists that being in a relationship with an "older woman" is better for him since she would be more mature and at his level, instead of finding one who shares his interests. It's a complete mess.

I'm sure that was a complete mess of an answer, but maybe it will have helped your understanding? And I was wondering who that was. :) I watched the video you have up of her and have to say, Ishboo is adorable and it made me laugh.
fly_among_stars
Dec. 1st, 2009 04:36 pm (UTC)
Messy answer for a messy issue :) But yeah, that makes sense. I didn't realize you were no longer living with James :( I guess that partially explains why you've seemed more down than usual lately. Having friends is key but given the choice I think I'd rather have a S/O. However that might just be a "grass is greener on the other side" type of thing.

About Ishboo...you have no idea how crazy and awesome she is. I have enough stories about her to fill an entire journal. I really should post about my pets more often because they're so funny and entertaining.
schwarzkatze
Dec. 5th, 2009 05:37 am (UTC)
Ah, well jeeze, I guess I really didn't need to say all that much then. :)

Another reason I may be off is because I think that I am going through the process of losing one of my friends. Haven't really heard from him much over the past month unless I've been the one to, what feels like, force interaction in the first place, and that's always a downer.
fly_among_stars
Dec. 8th, 2009 05:16 pm (UTC)
friends
Yeah, I've been there before, many times. I don't understand why people just decide that it's no longer worth the effort to be friends. It's not really *THAT* hard to keep in contact, what with cell phones, texting, AIM, myspace, etc....oh well...
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