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Oh look, I seem to be posting.

I'm exhausted but feel bad for not having done this in awhile, and as far as I know I won't be able to do it again until next month. Stupid verizon and lj not being compatible. I miss being able to do text message entries, even if they were short. So I'm actually going to try and fight through the tired and do it anyway. And try not to have it be crap.

Anyway, I'm in Meridian, Idaho right now. We're spending the night at some relatives house, and in the morning it's back on the road to utah where we will spend a few days before the family gathering which will be taking place in wyoming I think it was. Then after that it's back home again with elizabeth possibly. I'm not exactly sure what's going on with her. I'm hoping this trip won't be any more stressful than it already has been, but I know it probably will be. That's just life, right? Leon is down at james' and apparently I've already managed to muck that up. I wanted leon to stay out of trouble and be able to keep himself occupied so I went up to reber ranch and bought him the biggest bone they have. A cow femur. I think I posted a picture of it before. It's about two thirds his size. Anyway, apparently his dad has managed to convince himself that this bone is so insanely big that I must have procured it through illegal means.

:|

Seriously? Cows are freaking huge and have equally as large bones. It's not like it came from a giraffe or elephant or something. Cows are super common and we eat them every damn day. His dad just needs to get out more. So anyway, his dad was hassling him about that and now I feel bad. I love james and I know he enjoys leon around, but his dad has some screws loose from drinking and it makes me uncomfortable and very sad. He could be a totally awesome person if he would just stop drinking... And anyone who knows me well enough knows how vehemently against alcoholism I am. It's just disgusting.


Wednesday was a really bad day for me. I was supposed to have a dentist appointment, but everything seemed to be going wrong, couldn't find my shoes, got hit in the head with the jeep door, and my headphones are broken, so I ended up flipping out. I can't go to the dentist without something in my head. It's too scary for me, having people in my mouth. So I freaked and couldn't stop crying and hyperventilating for the entire 20 minute ride there. It hard-core sucked and mom was wondering if she should take me to a hospital or not though. When we got there though mom pulled out a pair and I was able to calm down enough to go in and tell them that I just wanted to get it over with, but the dentist said it just wasn't a good day and I should reschedule my appointment, without making me pay. Or rather, my mom, because I know she would never take the money out of my account for it. She sent me home with a couple bags of tea to take home, and that was that. She's nice. I was completely drained of energy from it all and after going to reber ranch to pick up leon's femur I collapsed on the sofa and passed out for 4 hours. After getting up I talked to james, took a shower to wash all the sad away, and later that night went out with my mom to go shopping. She volunteered to get me jogging shoes and some new socks. I always like getting new socks. As terrible as a day can be, getting socks always brightens it up.

The sort of downcast mood has persisted though since then with everything that has been going on. I don't want to see anyone, but I also don't have a choice.

And currently in my life, I'm trying to actually get on disability, which means I have to get a therapist or counselor, but I'm having paranoid fantasies that I'm going to get some ultra-theistic person who is going to take one look at me and my lack of religious beliefs and just out of spite say no way, or someone who is convinced that they can "fix me" and then refuse when I refuse. And I don't want to be fixed anymore. I've been trying for decades to fix myself and let others try and fix me, and at this point I'm just done. I don't want medications because the temptation, non-toxic or otherwise, happy or sad, to just take them all in one sitting is just too great. I'm like a little kid in that way I think and I don't need that sort of temptation around me. Something is borked in my brain and it scares the crap out of me.

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
fly_among_stars
Aug. 21st, 2009 01:27 pm (UTC)
Wow, no insult intended to James' family, but if the guy can't find anything more to complain about than the size of Leon's bone, he's just looking for excuses to be pissed off o__O
schwarzkatze
Aug. 21st, 2009 02:45 pm (UTC)
It's fine. The guy is out of his freaking mind from all the drinking and everyone seems to know it but him. And it's sad to see. He can't do anything because of it and doesn't seem to care.

I'd really love to yell at him, and tell him to put down the fucking bottle, but out of respect for james I don't.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )