?

Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

You want no part of this.

I have made a conscious decision today that I'm not going out anymore unless it's over to james', matt's or to get something that I am in great need of and can't get online. It's just become too much for me to take. It all came to a head today after going to best buy. Best buy is just bad for my health anyway. It has proven that to me time and time again. But today was the worst it has ever been. I need someone to, literally, hold my hand when I'm out because I'm in the habit of getting lost and feeling horribly alone. Unwanted and unneeded. don't know what the point is in me going with anyway. I just get in the way. Layton had a reason to be there, looking for a 360, james had a reason to be there, getting a laptop, and me... I had no reason. I was just a tag-along because I had forgotten to sign one stupid paper and it was basically just expected to be. Most of the time I just stood or followed them around and once I went to play with the cameras. No one noticed when I was missing. I felt so alone and out of place, just wanted to be home in bed, where it's safe and warm. Where my problems don't exist and I can drown myself in books, movies and video games. I'm not obligated to anything or anyone. But instead I was forced out into a giant bright store. It used to be ok when I had layton to lean on, I could hold his hand and hide behind him when things got to be too much. No more. Never again. I can't do this alone. I won't be humiliated like this. I can't order food for myself or eat in resturants, buy drinks at the bar and can barely handle asking about buying things in stores. I'm so terrified of messing up, being too slow or dropping something. I just can't do it. And god how I wish I could make the people around me understand... but I can't so it has come to this. I'm tired of being treated like a child, berated for doing something wrong or told it's not so bad as I make it out to be, that I can do it if I really want. If it wasn't so bad I'm sure I wouldn't have so many scars. I wouldn't cry at or after the thought of talking with even someone like a close relative. None of this would be hurting right now.

I cried in the car on the way back to kent. James had to stop at safeway to get a money order for the apartment. Layton expected me to go with but I stayed in the car. Knew that if I had gone I would have gone straight for the wine isle and I'm sure that's the last thing anyone wanted to see with how much drinking I've been doing of late. So instead I stayed in the car terrified by everyone who would walk by. And I cried. Eventually I made it home, to where my safe is. As soon as I made it into my room I pulled out the bottle next to my bed and my little box of horrors from underneath for a razor. I had a couple drinks, cut more at my heart, screamed at layton for being so insensitve, cried a whole bunch more and then tried to cut a vein in my arm open, next to my heart. But layton grabbed my arm and the razor from me before I could do any damage, at which point I collapsed sobbing. James called a little while later, while I couldn't talk, something layton didn't seem to comprehend. He kept trying to give me the phone and eventually I took it back but I was hurting too much to talk for long and eventually gave it back. I couldn't explain anything. And layton did an even worse job I'm sure.


Catch me as I fall
Say your here and it's all over now
Speaking to the atmosphere
No one's here and I fall into myself
This truth drives me
Into madness
I know I can stop the pain
If I will it all away

Don't turn away
(Don't give in to the pain)
Don't try to hide
(Though they're screaming your name)
Don't close your eyes
(God knows what lies behind them)
Don't turn out the light
(Never sleep, never die)

I'm frightened by what I see
But somehow I know
That there's much more to come
Immobilized by my fear
And soon to be
Blinded by tears
I can stop the pain
If I will it all away

Tags: