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Cut, because I don't want anyone to read it and know it's less likely to be read if it's under one of those thingies. It's very random and disorienting for me to write since it's a big deal to me. Anyway...

I guess my BMI is 17.5(783579255042). Guess that's bad, but I really couldn't care less. How much I weigh, or don't, is stupid and trivial. I hate it so much when people go out and seriously obsess over their body. "Oh my god! I'm so fat!!!" *vomit* You're not fat, shut the fuck up. All you are is stupid. The only problems I have with my body really is how it's shaped. I look like a boy. Ew. Found a BMI index calculator at random while I was reading a little on social anxiety disorder here. I love how it says that According to National Institute of Mental Health, "...social phobia is characterized by overwhelming anxiety in everyday social situations". They make it sound so stupid and trivial. In my opinion anyway. It makes me feel like an idiot but then I guess that's what it's all about. Anyway, the whole stupid reason I started looking up stuff on social anxieties is because there is a guy on myspace, paul clargo I think his name was, who writes songs specifically about it. Something I have never seen before, not in mass quantities anyway, and so I started wondering if anyone else did/does. So far I can't find anything. Normally I hate music that is done the way he does it, but when he does it, it's great and I could listen to it forever. Found out 2 of the songs I have are dysfunctional and I'm only able to redownload The People Outside since S.A.D. Girl is no longer up. *closing my mouth about that now*

It's really hard having social anxiety disorder. Everything becomes a chore. I guess I'm just glad that I'm not so bad that I can't go to the store to buy groceries when I have to. The most conversation you get out of them is "hi, how are you?" and then when you're done "have a nice day." That sort of conversation I know is meaningless. All conversations are meaningless, it's just how they go down that ends up having the meaning and what causes everything to explode in my head. If they're too long, too probing, if I say something I feel is wrong, if they say something that feels wrong... stupid little stuff. The stuff that makes it hard to go out when you know that at any moment some random stranger could come up and start trying to conversate with you. And this is what makes going out a big deal for me and why if I am out I'm probably trying to get drunk. Even around friends.

With work, I'm not afraid of the kids, but I am afraid of the adults. I know the kids won't judge me and I can act like a major kid myself without the fear of repercussions that I would get if I were around other adults. But today, despite all that with no one to talk to I ended up getting very depressed around 11ish. Kept hoping that charlene would hurry up and come back so I could leave. Just wanted to sit down on a swing and be by myself but any time I came anywhere near the swings emma ann would beg me to push her so a few times I had to just walk away to the other side of the yard. I felt so horrible for doing that.

I want to go out for halloween. I want to go out and do what kids do for halloween. Walk from door to door and ask for people do give me things. This is a big deal for me because I can't do it. Figuratively and literally. Figuratively I can't do it because it scares me so much, the idea of going out and asking for people to reject me. Slam the door in my face, tell me I'm too old or harass me about how I'm spoiling it for everyone else. Literally because layton won't do it with me. I have been trying to do it for 5 or 6 years now and I've only been out two. Most of the time it's because layton likes to come up with excuses why he can't go with me. About how halloween is on a weekday and he can't do anything. I'll point out that the fact that it's a weekday doesn't mean he can't go out and do this thing with me, but he still bullshits about it anyway. Right now his secondary excuse is his facial hair. And I've asked and had other people offer to do it with me, but those plans always end up going to shit so I don't ask anymore. I remember a couple years ago james had said he would go with, but nothing ended up happening. We sat and watched house of the dead, because mike wanted to and, I dunno, james forgot and then it got too late I guess. So I really want to be able to do this this year but no one else does so I guess I'm going to do it by myself and hope I don't give up after the 3rd house and end up on some random streetcorner bawling my eyes out. No doubt I will. *sigh*

This is the last year I will be able to do this. Next year it's on a friday and I will have given up completely. And that is why I am so desperate this year.

When you're through with everyone
Where else is left to turn
Holding out for a miricle cure
One step forward, two steps back

Sometimes I wish that this world would eat me alive
Is it better to die or be alone every night
I blame you all for my stupid bloody mess
I'm so depressed, so unhappy
Uncomfortably self obsessed

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