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It's not so great. I can't even talk to my sister to ask when she's going to be off the computer. Kinda sucks a little bit. There are only 3 people in the world who I am and can be totally comfortable around. My mom, layton and james. I've heard often that the relationship I have with my mom is weird. Like, I can talk to her about just about anything and everything, even if she doesn't get it most times. And she pushes me to do stuff I wouldn't be able to do normally, like the job. If it weren't for her I would have given up before I had even started. But even still, her pushing sometimes still doesn't work, is helpful or wanted. She can still send me into panic attacks without knowing, trying to get me to interact with everyone else in the world. A little stressful. But she's my shield from the world. She makes my appointments and makes sure that I'm where I need to be when I need to be there. So in that way she keeps me around and kicking.

With layton and james, well, if you're having sex with a person then you had better be comfortable around them. :) In all seriousness though, james and layton are the only people I've managed to keep in regular contact with since I got out of high school and who still feed me as a person. Everyone else I've gotten to know since then have randomly fallen off the face of the earth in some form or another. I spend over 60% of my awake time with layton. He's always around and I know I can always depend on him. He'll tell me stories about poop and his childhood and makes me laugh until everything hurts and I can't laugh anymore and every weekday at 2:30 I know he'll call from work, even if he or I have nothing to talk about. With james it's usually a lot quieter but I can talk to him about anything when I'm upset. I know it can and must be hard though, I'm so damn negative and when I get upset I am very irrational and stupid, but he never says it. He just listens and tells me things will get better and that I'm a nice person to be around.

So, 3 people. The 3 people I see and who interact with me the most. Not so nice for most people I suppose, but I'm anti-social so it works for me. One is related to me and the other two are men, but it's better than no one at all. Without them I would have no friends, no life, no home and would probably, more likely than not, be dead. I really love and appriciate what they do for me more than I think any of them realize, or in layton's case would care to ever think about or admit. He's such an asshole towards himself and me when it comes to that shit. Saying stuff like I don't care about him or what he thinks. *sigh* Makes me want to slap him for being so stupid, and for making me into such a bitch when really I'm not, but that's besides the point. I just wanted to say thanks.

I've had voltaire on random most of the day. It's made me feel a little better. Got nintendogs today too, been playing that a little. Layton told me to get a german shepherd and name it samson, like his cousins old dog or something. Did, but I don't know if I'll keep it for very long. The name samson makes my sides itchy. Stupid bible names bringing me discomfort. Even the more common ones, like joshua, michael, and matthew will do it. If it can be abbreviated though it usually neutralizes it. It's kinda funny because more than half my family, males, have biblical names, and it would always get weird for me when I heard them full. Thankfully that didn't happen very often though. Odd, but I won't even pretend to understand. I can speculate why though. The puppy is also disobedient as all shit. Whatever though. Told him if I wanted to be lame like that about names 'n dogs 'n shit I could have just gotten a golden retriever and named it lucky. He got kinda mad when I said it and told me to shut up. :)

Been watching zim too. Got those in from the library. Gir is so cute. Plan to buy the set eventually, but I've never seen more than bits and pieces of it and know it will still be a bit before I will buy it so I took the time out to find something I could see before that point. Or something.


a long, long time ago I fell to this place
from another dimesnion
and thrust amongst the beasts
and they way they behave borders on dementia
now through all these years
I can barely take it
I don't think i can make it
take me away from here
I want to go home

I'm so sick and tired of the
the taste of tears
the sting of pain
the smell of fear
the sounds of crying
as you standing at the edge of your life
what do you remember?
was it all you wanted?

Picture of the day: Nebulae