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Jun. 7th, 2011

Oh. I suppose I forgot to mention, a bit from the post that didn't go, that my grandma had to go to the hospital the other day. She had to go to the bathroom late at night and called for help. When my grandpa came in there was blood all over the floor and told her to pack up because he was taking her to the hospital. They discovered two perforations in her intestines there. Not sure where they came from, but it's all fixed up now and hopefully it won't happen again.

When my mom was on the phone with Grandpa she was really upset and didn't know what to say while my brain went through all the logical routes though, what color is the blood, how bad was it, blah, blah, blah. I don't deal with death or tragedy well AT ALL, so I think I do that sort of thing as a distraction to keep from freaking out. I didn't want to voice any of what I was wondering while she was on the phone though because I didn't want to upset anyone any more. After she got off the phone I asked if she knew how dark the blood was, and she didn't know, so I explained that the darker the blood the worse the problem could be. Didn't upset her, she just told me that I always think of all the right things.

And with the added drama of Izzy yesterday, I don't think my mom has been doing so well stress-wise. She could probably use a good vacation too. Finley showed up at random yesterday though so I think that made her day better. He'll be here for a little while, something like 2 weeks to 21 days.
My phone has been a pain in the ass and half the shit that I try to log into over it doesn't want to work. I have a droid 2 now that I bought from my half-brother Michael since he's in Iraq for the next year, which needs activated, and I'm hoping will work a little bit better.

Anyway, it's been a really stressful time around here. Leon is staying down at James' since Izzy is still violently attacking him at every chance she gets. And when he's down with James', he doesn't want to eat or walk. So it's just been all around depressing for everyone not being able to have him at home.

Every day with Izzy has been something new. Today when I got home from work I found Izzy rolling around on the ground, chomping and rubbing at her face with her feet. It only took a couple seconds of seeing what she was doing up close and I realized something was very wrong. This almost ended with everyone at the vet, because we thought something was jammed in the back of her throat or some other horrible situation. Then she lolled for a little bit, quit chewing and kicking, while I was holding her like a baby on her back, and I was able to see that there was a stick wedged between her upper teeth. It got me incredibly pissed and severely chewed for just long enough to get it out. This dog is a fucking nightmare and reminds me of what I would picture as being a cross between a bug and a rat. No brain, eats everything.

I was talking to Carrie about all the stress it feels like I'm under, and her head just about exploded when I said that I was going to have to deal with Izzy for 3 months. She agreed that it would probably be a pretty good idea to get some emergency Xanax, and I had a doctor appointment later, so I was able to talk my doctor and get a prescription for 10 of them.

I want a goddamn vacation to spend with James and Leon to recoup. A fucking week, minimum. *grump*
Yeah, not happy. Last week was a very stressful week. Montel was gone for half the week, dad left wednesday for Australia, and I had to go take Leon into the vet for a spot in his fur he had licked off on one of his back legs. The vet said that it looked like it was a scratch, or something else like that, he licked a little too much because it itches, that had become a little infected and was trying to heal but couldn't so it was just getting worse. Now he's getting to take medication for the next few weeks.

And unfortunately this week isn't been doing much better. Let"s preface this portion with saying, Izzie is supposed to be staying with us for the next 3 months.Collapse )
Well I suppose the weekend was nice. I made a chicken and went down to Layton's house Saturday night while he and Chetty were out at the Mercury so I could spend time with James. It was a welcome respite because you can only spend so much time interacting with children before your brain starts burning out on all the cartoons they insist on watching in the morning. (What time is it? It's time for lunch!) It's only after Montel is gone for the morning that I feel comfortable turning it off. kWe went for a walk down to 7-11 in the rain where I got a coffee and an fixation on a shiny windmill that was just laying next to the side of the road. I took it home, played with it tons, and then gave it to my mom since she wanted to replace her cheap plastic windmill that was beyond broken. So I got a little bit of an intellectual stimulation, to watch some normal tv and have normal conversations. Actually, I don't think we conversed much, I mostly just blanked out and enjoyed his company. Oh and I got to have a drink, and not drunk. I would liked to have gone out and had a smoke too, but I had a god-awful sore throat that had been going on since Friday at lunch. For the most part, it's gone away now, but I still seem to have some crappy itchy traces going on.

Yesterday Layton had me over for his birthday. I am on speaking terms with him again, but since that day it's been a lot more fragile and I did tell him that if I ever heard of him talking about me that way again, I would castrate him. But that is neither here nor there. It's been a sort of joke for a few years now that one of these birthdays I'm going to end up getting him a giant pillow dog bed. He really wants one because they do tend to be really soft and comfortable. I wanted to get him one this year, but unfortunately I can't find one. Why is it when you're actually looking for something they all have to disapper? Down at Layton's, everything was fine until Josh came over. Layton understands I don't like him, though it upsets him and I end up having to explain why every single time. That he's a shit-talker, doesn't have two brain-cells to rub together, gave me that giant anxiety attack and little tiny ones every time since, I don't like his terrible influences, and frankly, I just think Layton is too good and smart to be around a prick like that. Josh is the sort of person who has a very dominate personality and no one will call him out on it. Can't believe half the shit that comes out of his mouth. So I just want to avoid his ass altogether. And yesterday night I was only able to do that until about the last 30 or so minutes where it became unavoidable. I know Layton did what little he could do with the obtuse moron before he came over though, and I do appreciate that.

Right now Macy and Callie are playing outside since it's sunny and, to an extent, warm out. Callie has actually been more of a troublemaker than Macy has been and I've been noticing that when Macy gets in trouble for doing something dumb, it's because Callie started, or goaded in her into it. So Macy will be the one in trouble while Callie gets to skirt away with her angel face on. And it makes it just a little frustrating because she's also the one who ends up being the most helpful.

Wednesday already?

Wednesday, 2:00p - or 1400 hours if one prefers military time.

I need to start my math already. Asked my mom to make an appointment to get me a few more anti-anxiety medications, but as of this point it hasn't happened. I want to just do the damn math test and get it over with, but I don't think I would be able to do it unmedicated since just working on math here alone for a half hour is enough to put me into a fairly freaked out mood. Unfortunately on the flip side, it would also cause me to zone out and slow down even more which is a total boo.

I've been incredibly exhausted this week. My sleep has been complete and utter crap and I'm out of melatonin. I've also been slightly irritable at James due to his unrelenting fear of life and being stuck. Actually, it would be more fair to say I'm upset at his dad for screwing him up so bad. I just can't get mad at his dad, so I end up getting mad at him instead for letting [his dad] continue to have control and not letting me help him get out and move on. Then he ends up being unhappy and upset with me. I can't blame him though. I have zero tact and am incredibly callous when it comes to sensitive issues. But god damn it, I want him to get better and be able to do the things he wants to do. In our last conversation I told him that if I thought it would be beneficial in helping him move forward in life in any way, I would leave him. However I know that if it would do anything it would just make the problems worse and we'd both be completely miserable. So I keep proposing different ideas to him about things I could help him do, but to no avail. Just makes him angry or unhappy. It's made me think that I want to just get him into therapy or counseling as a start to get him over whatever crap is holding him back. (Like me, haha.)

5 minutes between screams

Hi! I am taking out 5 minutes between what I swear are screams and my irritated comments of "I'm not going to ask you to clean up your toys again." Funny thing about it is, I usually do end up asking again. Ha ha. :| The reason I have to ask repeatedly tends to be because in cleaning they somehow manage to make the mess 100x bigger, and in Macy's case is because she has a very, uh, abstract way of cleaning and tends to forget halfway through what she was doing. They're both funny kids, and I love them to death, but jesus are they loud. Even when I was working at the daycare I never had to deal with the noise levels they put out.

I'm tired today. Stayed up too late with my kindle. Was contemplating bringing another coffee to work with me, but I decided against it in favor of the zip fizz I normally drink. I don't want to feel like I'm dependent on it to wake up. I don't like the idea of having addictions to anything. Nothing unreasonable anyway. :) I don't think books are too terribly unreasonable?

My problem is that when I get into something, I tend to just toss myself into it fully with no regards to anything else, and when I'm not doing it, or I get myself into something else, I won't know how to properly split my time so it won't feel like I'm wasting money.
In regards to the things I currently have it works so -
With netflix when I'm not watching it, it feels like the money is being wasted so I want to cancel it, or at least go on 'vacation' for the time being. My mom is using it though for the dvd's and occasional instant so I won't and don't feel quite as bad as I would otherwise.
Video games, My xbox is collecting dust, the Wii is only used for movies, and my 3ds (yay?) is also not in use. I blame that on the fact that there won't be any worthwhile games in my mind until june. I'm also not keeping up though, so if anything does come out I won't know about it. So it's feeling like money wasted.
Zune has just become a basic music storage device with leon and I no longer going on walks alone. And when we do, I forget about it.
The kindle is my latest fixation since it's re-kindled (no pun intended) my obsessive reading habits.
My computer is the only thing that gets used on a regular basis, and that's only due to the internet. Nothing will ever be able to cure THAT addiction, though I do still try to keep it under a reasonable amount of control.

Still seems to eat up a major portion of my days though...

I dunno. Whatever. I wish I could read faster. I read books like a fat man eats. With much denial over how much I'm actually doing, zeal and the secret guilt of knowing it's going to kill me if I keep it up. :d

Suppose I should probably stop now and go work on my math. *sigh* I fucking hate math and the day is just getting closer and closer to being done.

May the 4th be with you

Some blogthings quiz, because I can. It"s dumb, really.Collapse )

And on the subject of rose colored glasses... I've actually been wanting to get some glasses with colored lenses, probably blue, for awhile now. Half because I think having blue glasses would be neat, and half because I'd like to see if it can help with my headaches any. Never did get around to getting any though because the company I wanted to get them from, I forgot the name, seems to have stopped carrying them. And that suuuuuucks.

I did get myself a kindle yesterday. Found out that I have a lot more money than I thought so I didn't have to wait until the end of the week. Wanted to get it after lunch from Target, but when I went I was told that they only have the 'with offers' version in stock and he suggested I try Fred Meyer instead. So after making a call to them it end up being picked up from Fred Meyer later at night and then subsequently caused me to stay up until past midnight restarting the reading of American Gods. I'm very tired today. T.T Would have gotten it from Target after lunch, but when I went I found out that they were out of everything except for the "with offers" one, which I kinda don't want since the static pages are ads and you wouldn't ever, to my knowledge, be able to change that. James has my paperback copy of the book because for the longest time I was trying to convince him to read it. I think he's lost it in his closet now though because every time I've brought it up he can't even remember my having given it to him. I'd really like him to read it, and Coraline which I also gave him and is probably also lost in his closet, because I think he would probably enjoy it. Coraline for sure. American Gods tends to be more hit or miss with people. Either you love it or you hate it. But he has been reading the other books I've been letting him borrow, so maybe if I can remember to dig it out of his closet next time I'm down there...

At the moment, Macy and Callie are watching My Neighbor Totoro. Montel is too because he seems to be spending most of the day home. I got it for them when I went to Sakura Con, instead of Ponyo which they have seen a million and a half times, and they seem to like it quite a bit. I was sort of using the excuse that I hadn't seen it as my reasoning. Now I can say I have though, and while I do enjoy it quite a bit, I don't think it's one I feel a pressing need to buy for myself in the near future like I used to.

James is also supposed to be up today so I get to see him after I get off and done with the math tutoring. We'll go for a walk with Leon and then I'll probably end up just eating and going to bed since it will be way late. :( He's been wanting to exercise more, says he's tired of being fat (which makes me feel bad for every time I've commented on his weight) and I've been thinking it might be good to teach him how to ride a bike. It's better motivation to get out than walking alone is (I think) and he has plenty of places around there where he could find and explore easier if he was on one. That's just my thoughts though, I don't know if he would feel the same way.

AAAAND, I think that's about it for today. :d Macy and Callie are being royal pains in my rear with their dad being home. He keeps saying he has a meeting to go to, but it's 2:30 now, and he doesn't appear to be going anywhere anytime soon. AUGH!
I'm having a lot of trouble at the moment. And April has once again proven to be the most difficult month. Damn focusing issues.

In an effort to finally finish my GED, I'm trying to learn my multiplication tables, which I'm afraid I was never taught correctly in the first place. I've actually been trying to learn them over the past week and a half, and have been doing a TERRIBLE job. Can't memorize to save my life unfortunately and counting is always terribly slow. SO, it's causing me a lot of stress, which makes me push it off until the last minute possible, and because Macy and Callie's mom Rebbecca is the one tutoring me about it, it's compounding the stress that much more. Frustrating. The eights are being the worst because I can't seem to find any sort of a pattern or anything to get them down. :(

On april 1st, after I got home I got a letter telling me that my food stamps were being revoked since I'd been working more than 3 months (wasn't true), I could re-apply on a local level, and to sign and return the enclosed paper. And there was no enclosed paper to sign and return. After I was able to get back in to find out what the hell was going on I found out that they had neglected to give me one incredibly important piece of information about what to do when I finish working a job, that I have to actually go in to the office and give them a signed letter saying that I've stopped working. So a call in isn't enough, but funny, they don't say that in any of the papers, books or any of the times you speak. Kinda would have been good to know then. Anyway, it ended up explaining a lot and I hope to have it resolved soon. I also got a letter on saturday saying that while I'm still under the disability program, I'm no longer going to be receiving any payments and my medical is in limbo until I quit working, which is more than a little bit confusing and disheartening because I get more for NOT working than I do FOR working. It makes it feel like they don't want me to work, but I don't want to be that stupid person everyone always refers to who doesn't get a job because I'm getting free money or whatever else out of it.

I've also had a couple more issues, one of which almost caused me to quit. That I won't go into. Another was after Sakura Con, which I went to with James for my birthday. The Sakura Con issue was actually pretty bad, had a complex breakdown in the bus tunnels, resulting in the security having to call an emt for me. And like the other issue, I won't really go into the reasons why because all in all, it's unimportant.

I'm really going to make an effort to post more. I've been wanting to and it's been a little hard on me not doing so. I'm in the habit of getting so horribly involved in other things and that I will begin to put everything else off for so long that it will become embarrassing to think about and then I will begin to completely avoid it all together. It's like that with my email too. I've got around 250 in my inbox at the moment and I'm not used to seeing more than 25. So I'm going to try and teach myself how to prioritize my life, even if it kills me. Add in that I'm planning to get myself a kindle later this month because I miss reading terribly. I do expect this to be an incredibly painful endeavor. :) Maybe May will become more painful of a month this year then? Haha.
You know, I just don't give a fuck today. Probably not a good mood for me to be working with, but I've had a lot on my mind. I think I stopped caring after Callie came in and started screaming while I was trying to leave a message for Orion. Have to do a survey or some shit. I had told them I had to make an important phone call and they needed to be quiet. And of course, they weren't. The second time I had to tell them to quiet down I told them they needed to go in the other room until I was done. And then Callie, the (normally) well behaved one, came running into the room screaming while I was in the middle of leaving a message which caused an instant, horribly embarrassing, explosion in the middle of it. After I got off the phone with her she got to sit in time out for 5 minutes while I took the time to just breath. Chalk it up to learning.

And then everything stopped. So yeah, whatever. Don't care, don't care to care.

I think it's better this way anyway. Or easier. They can make the messes, I'll clean them up. Fine.

Oh. Got the new 3ds last weekend. It's pretty nice and the 3d effect is interesting, but I don't anticipate using it much. Frankly, the only game I have even the slightest interest in for it is their zelda remake, and only God and Nintendo know when that's supposed to come out. I'd like to get James a new DS too before Sakura Con, because I think that would be fun for him to have, but I've a very limited amount of money I'm going to be able to use to do that. I don't know.

Don't care.

I am taking some time down from my terribly busy life (ha). Don't really have much to say about it. Macy and Callie are playing Old Maid at the moment and I'm hoping it won't turn into a screaming match as things normally do. It's stupid, the game has just started, they're treating it like goldfish, and Macy is already whining about it. If they're not screaming-laughing, which hurts the ears incredibly, Macy is fake scream-crying. If kids could be bi-polar, I would totally peg Macy.

My mom has been on "vacation" for the past week visiting my brother in texas and my grandparents in Arizona, so Macy and Callie have been coming over to my house until lunch and playing with Leon. He's been enjoying it I think. And after that, around 2, I would take them home. Callie was funny, she would ask if she could spend the night. No idea why she would want to. She came home yesterday night just as Leon and I were starting out on our walk, which was probably good. I don't think we would have gotten anywhere near the door, let alone outside, if he had seen her. When we got back she told me she had some jewelry, a bracelet, choker and earrings, for me from grandma kouder who thought I would like it because I wear black. It's a little bit of a confusing concept for me, but whatever, it's pretty and vintage. The way my mom was was explaining it, her husband used to have a bit of money I guess and would buy her a lot of jewelry. And I have just forgotten whatever point I was going to make except that it was really nice for my grandma to have thought of me like that and I will try to take the best care possible I can of it, while not wearing it in public places where I might get mugged. :) My mom also brought me back 3 shot glasses. She used to hate that I'd ask for them as souvenirs, but I guess has gotten over it.

While she was gone I was hoping to be able to watch a lot of the Anime I've recently gotten, but as with all good intentions, they fell by the wayside. The only thing I think I've finished was Barefoot Gen 1 & 2 and FullMetal Alchemist and that was all done the day before she left.

Barefoot Gen 1, while it was really good and informative on the subject matter with which it was based (wwII, the bombing of Hiroshima and the after-effects), left me feeling incredibly confused by the end as to what exactly I was supposed to be feeling. Quite unlike with grave of the fireflies where it was just straight up depressing. Through the beginning it was very lighthearted and laughable, both with the animation and story, but then they dropped the bombs and within 5 seconds everything got incredibly dark and scary. The animation went from very round and bright, to very sharp and dark, and it bounced back and forth between the two. And I understand why the did that. They were trying to make a point with Gen that while things were incredibly dark and full of despair at that point, that Japan still had the strength to look on the bright side of things and know that it would get better and wouldn't be like that forever. Overall it was a great set of movies that I think everyone should see at least once; I'm glad to have gotten it, but I wish like hell I could get through The World of Narue, Tekkon Kinkreet and Sky Crawlers too. T.T It shouldn't be this hard.

Need to go play new pokemans now. :d