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( Interested still? )

These are icons, all made by myself. They're not that great, sure. Can't do all the pretty things that everyone else does but they make me happy. I don't expect anyone should want to use them, but if you do so choose, please give credit where due. That's all I ask. And perhaps you could let me know too. I'd just like to know.

It hurts. My brain is no longer functioning. Don't know what I'm going to do. Would love to scream, or vomit, but I know neither would help me. And this is somehow related to stress? Goddamn.

How and why?!

Maybe I'll feel better after I get some sleep. Wanted to make a post for tonight, but I just can't.

I would totally trade Jennifer her cancer and everything she's getting with it if I could just get rid of this.



Seriously, I would.

In and effort to find my wallet which holds the pin to my debit card, I have spent most of my morning cleaning my room up. Quite a feat due to all my clothes and the fact that I, oddly, have nowhere to put anything. My things will migrate from the tops of tables and dressers, to the floor, and then when I start cleaning up the floor they will all migrate back upwards. And then when the floor is clear, I'll end up repeating the process. I have no organizational skills. I blame this on the fact that I have such trouble looking at the big picture sometimes. I can see it, but I can't see how to achieve it. But if I just look at one corner or surface then I can figure that out easy.

Suppose that explains why I have no artistic skills. :)

Leon has been coming up every-so-oft to visit. I brought up a rope with me one of the last times we went down so that I can play with him next time he decides he wants to.

Got my laptop back upstairs a few days ago. I can now look outside while I'm sitting here taking a break and thinking. It's really foggy and doesn't seem to be going away. If anything it just looks like it's getting thicker, juuuust like my brain clutter. I like fog. The entire room cleaning ordeal has also triggered thinking about money. Another instance where I can't see the big picture. I wanted to get an x-box, but then I remembered that Leon is behind on his shots and immunizations, and he comes first. 10 times out of 10. So now I'm re-thinking everything. What do I need versus what do I want, and what has to come out automatically. I'm just hoping this arrangement with Layton, with the food-money thing works. Also need to apply for SSI... and I have no idea how the fuck to do that.

I really need to find my wallet so I can put the 200 in my bank and get that camcorder...

And tomorrow it's pie.

Well, considering I AM that person. No. I don't.

Withdrew 200 dollars from Chase yesterday so I could get the cam, but now I have no way to put it into my BECU since I have lost and long forgotten my pin.

Everything goes wrong at once. I wish I wasn't me.

I can't drink plain unflavored water. Just doesn't work with me. If I do try, 9 times out of 10, I will end up choking on it. So this ends up meaning, I don't get as much water intake as is recommended outside of food and stuff like milk, which I have a slight allergy to, or sometimes soda. I still try to drink it though. For the past few days I've been putting lemon in it. And it works, I'm not choking.

Today I haven't been doing so fantastic. I'm cold and feel sad. Today is one of those days that forces you to acknowledge how alone in the world you really are. And I keep trying to distract myself, but it doesn't work so well. It's just making me feel more and more isolated and less and less sure of where I stand. I woke up and I was alone. Except for Leon who was being adorable and twichy on the floor. He was doing sleep-kicks. The video really sucked though. I forgot to turn up the resolution on my phone before I started recording and it came out really dark and blurred. :( No good. So there has been Leon who sometimes comes upstairs to sleep in the morning and always sticks by me when mom isn't home, and I talked to James over AIM, and a little bit of Layton through text messaging. No physical human contact outside of my mom for possibly a minute between her getting home and then leaving again.

And that's all I can hear in my head. You're alone. Always alone. Born lonely, dies the same.

Oddly enough though, out of all the things that could, and should, distract me or make me feel better, the only thing that seems to do well in the slightest are the Silent Hill soundtracks. I don't know what it is about them, but it just makes me feel a little bit more melancholy and relaxed.

Yesterday James gave me a New Super Mario Bros. Wii beanie he got from work. It was nice of him to do, and I've been wearing it as much as possible. When I don't have the giant over-the-headphones on anyway. Keeps my ears warm. I think Chris deserves it more though.

The entire depressing debacle with my phone today has made me decide I am going to get a camcorder. So I did a lot of looking around on youtube for reviews and to see what the cameras actually could do in comparison to each other. I read some reviews too, looked at side-by-side specs, but the thing that really did it for me was seeing the "test" videos themselves. I know the Flip cameras are pretty popular, and I believe get the better reviews because of it, but actually seeing how the videos turned out... well... I decided I would rather have the Kodak Zi8. The videos came out better looking in almost all aspects. Day and night. My only gripe with it will probably end up being that the zoom can be one jumpy.

It will be good for me to have for Leon, and for James to use so he can make his own videos.

Here comes the book
the book of rules
If you play this game
you won't stay the same
you could win your golden teeth
be a spinning top
Use a riding crop
Mr alphabet says
"Smile like a weasel
as I cover you...
cover you in treacle"
We all know impatience
is a sin..so do as you're
told to do, it's so rewarding to...
and you could win the tin man's heart
be a chiming clock
lie on the chopping block
Mr. Alphabet says
"Give me all your money
Just to cover you
cover you in honey"
Don't be afraid
There's no marmalade
Don't be afraid
I wouldn't even dream of it!

Leon has made sleeping with me a regular thing now, and I'm learning how to work with it. It's actually easier to do then when sleeping with him and James. :)

Been listening to a lot of Bauhaus, The Cure and Siouxsie and the Banshees of late. Oh, and The Glove too. I love them. It's good stuff and I don't do it nearly enough. Finally got a silver for The Cure the other day. It was nice to see. Should get one for Siouxsie soon. And I'd like to eventually get a Bronze for Bauhaus.

James was looking at his recommendations and saw the Bauhaus. I pointed out all the many places he could start, though he never struck me as a Bauhaus type, he decided on Crackle I think, and decided it was good. Then I started going off about all the other bands he'll probably start getting recommendations for. It's a little bit of a joke how "we'll him goth yet."


Oh yeah, that reminds me. ( This is the newest incarnation of my old zune. )

Really should be going to bed earlier. Just can't seem to sleep during normal people sleeping hours.

I'm trying to be on the computer less. This is a very difficult thing for me to do since the computer is about as private as I can get while not being in my room. But I do far too much of it, to my detriment. I will obsessively check my email and other websites over and over, but not because I think there will be something new. I know there won't be. Just checked it 30 seconds earlier. It's just sort of a... thing. I don't know what else to call it. So I check, over and over, and I'll try to find something else to do, but eventually it always comes back to, check email, check LiveJournal, MySpace, *insert forum here*. Check, check, double check. But it's as private as I can possibly get. So I'm trying to get over my phobia of sitting in the middle of a room (the living room), and having people see what exactly I am doing. Yesterday it was Zombies Ate My Neighbors on the Wii, and today I just sat down in my chair with the PSP to play Breath of Fire III. And today, I got about 20 minutes into it before I was so tired I had to put it down. Plus I was a little stuck and had to look up a gamefaqs guide on the PSP, and locate where I was in it. That's a tedious enough job. Didn't want to touch the computer since I knew I would just find something else to distract me on it.

Maybe I should have tried Zombies again. Probably would have had better luck not getting tired there.

I've been trying to talk my mom and Layton into the possibility of trading me money for food if I'm fully approved. I'll buy the food, they can give me the money. Really have no need for the stuff. 50, maybe, and that would just be getting stuff for James to have around when his dad is there, but not 200. I'd seriously go out and spend it all on sandwiches for homeless people I'm so apathetic about the idea of using it on myself. But I figure I could at least try to get money out of it first before I resort to that. So far I've just got the card, but I don't know if I'm going to be fully approved or denied coverage, and won't until sometime around the 19th I think. Wouldn't be surprised if I was denied. Pretty much expect it.

I don't even like the idea of being on disability anyway. I don't feel I'm the disabled one. It's everyone else because no one else is willing to work with me and around my "issues."

Whatever. Fuck'em.
*god, that sounds so crude*
Ha, that actually made me remember the first time I actually realized that saying shut up was impolite in certain circumstances. :)

Oh god. I just had the stupidest uh... well, it goes something like...

I was listening to Devil Doll and remembering why I don't much like Rockabilly music. Reminds me too much of country. It's good stuff, don't get me wrong, I just have to listen to it in moderation. Anyway, it got me to thinking about conversation I had with Chris back after he first met Roz, and her and James pissed her ever pissy ass off. Seriously, I don't think she has ever been even remotely happy at any moment in her life. Too busy doing drugs and drinking between lamenting her woefully pathetic existence probably. She had a way of invalidating everyone elses life experiences. It got old fast, and I don't know how I put up with it for so long.

Anyway, one of the discussions that came up was music. Chris had been talking to Roz about music and was annoyed, I think would be the best word, at her complete lack of knowledge in genres of bands that were coming up. Muse for example, she said they were Indie I think. ]

Not the point.

At some point James had said he hated country music. Chris asked if he liked Johnny Cash.

James - "Yes, but that's different"
Chris - "Well I hate to tell you but you like country."

And I just now had an ah-ha moment. Johnny Cash was rockabilly. But of course it's too late to mention any of that. If I had remembered at the time I probably would have mentioned on it. But that was a very busy night. Roz had pissed James off into getting himself royally plastered, acting like a crazy man and vomiting all over.

Just me going duh...

I just had a Domoooo! ATTACK energy drink and it wasn't as bad as I expected it would be. Pretty good actually. And this is coming from the person who doesn't tolerate caffeine well. Typically I'll get bad jitters, go numb and feel really sick. But so far I'm fine, just a little numbness. Have to pick up James from work around one-ish. He's having to do the midnight release of that new Call of Duty.

And Halloween.

It sucked. Really it did. I had no idea what I was getting into before it happened. At the very least, I wanted to be able to go trick-or-treating, and I did NOT want to be the only one. Have to be in the middle of a crowd to do anything, social phobias and what-not. Didn't think it was too much to ask, but as I am often, I was wrong. Everyone else decided they were just going to walk with me. So I panicked and couldn't do it. This was the last year I was planning to do so since every year prior Layton would really upset when I would bring it up, or I would plan for it and the plans would all fall apart. I don't know why I expected anything different this year. Oh wait, yes I do. It's because Layton agreed with no struggle or anger on his part and mentioned nothing of "just walking."

Anyway, the plans fell apart and the night got nothing short of worse from there. For a little while I thought maybe it would be better. James and I went exploring in Matt's garage and I found a round folding chair he said I could have. He thought it was broken but when I used it, it worked just fine. He also let me have a pretty table lamp that was just in need of a new bulb. But I digress. Things I thought were getting better and then all of the sudden Mark, his sister and Colby showed up. Crash. And. Burn. Tess was unhappy by the turn in events too. Mark was high off freaking mushrooms and going off about how he was going to go running in the graveyard high as shit. He didn't. He ended up sticking around forever with everyone in the kitchen going off about random stupid stuff. His sister came in and recognized me and I had to talk to her for a little bit until she got distracted. Everyone left after a few hours, only to have Mark come back later in the wee morning hours. And he was banging on the front door and windows when he couldn't get in. I didn't answer the door as I was instructed not to, though at one point I almost did I was so pissed. Probably would have, and I would have punched him in the fucking face too, if James hadn't told me to just let it alone. Layton was the one that ended up answering it, completely incoherant. The 10 minutes of banging and yelling going on was enough to wake him up from his drunken stupor. I really should have just called the cops...

James was with me though and he tried to make me feel better throughout the entire night. If he hadn't been there I probably would have gone home as soon as Mark showed.


I'm really glad for this journal. It's a really awesome way to be able to get things out that otherwise would stay on my mind twisting and distorting until something bad happens.

So... I keep wanting to post something, but then I sit down and my motivation just... dissipates. I have no want or passion to do anything.

Long time "friend" Roz finally fully abandoned me and Layton. And by this I mean she removed us from her live journal and myspace. I was a little shocked at first, and a little upset, but when that all dissolved I actually found I was rather relieved. I was always mad at myself for falling in love (I cringe as I say it) with her because I knew it would end badly. She's the sort of person who uses people like you would a pack of cigarettes. As long as you're giving them something they'll come back and back, but when there is no more, they're gone and you're in the trash.

So this means I won't have to wonder about her drug addled ass anymore and that takes soooo much weight off my shoulders. Yay! Where she is, what she's doing. God, this was so way too long coming...

I do want my movie back from her though. Ghost in the Shell - Innocence. I don't care if it's the original crap version. I want it back. Layton gave it to her mistakenly after James and I came back from Sakura Con.

DSHS... I don't know how that is going and I don't want to know. I can talk about that later or something. The lady who interviewed me was fixated on numbers and me having a fixation on numbers. I loath numbers. Other than finding patterns in them, I want nothing to do with them.

And now mark's "born again" ass is over here and tripping off 'shrooms. Looks like there will probably be no walks in the graveyard tonight for me.

Well, I don't think I could really be any more disappointed in this month but james has been trying to make me feel better. He's too nice for a person like me.

The wind and rain roaring overhead and The Wrong Side from my pillow, it's a good combination to drift to sleep to. I had a wonderful day and will rest easy.

Well, I was going to do this earlier but Leon decided he wanted me to hold his rawhide while he chewed and tugged on it. So that occupied me for a bit, letting go every so often to see if he still wanted me to hold it, which he did. Anyway, now he's done and I can do something else.

I was playing around with the idea of Zunes today. It started out with the idea of getting a brown Zune and putting a Domo background on it, then progressed into wanting to replace my old Zune's screen and remembering that James had his possibly broken one which he gave me permission to crack and use to replace it. Right now I'm just trying to make 100% sure that it won't clear out the old information because I don't want to have to do anything unnecessary to make a functional Zune. Assuming his is indeed unusable or I do get frustrated from waiting and crack it open, I'll more than likely end up making it dual colored to keep from confusing it with my current functional one. And it would be neat to have one that is dual. I've never seen any others. :)

And today is Halloween. Not really planning on doing much, just... same old weekend stuff except up at Matt's old shell of a house. Possibly with a small candy raid. Assuming I can get away with it anyway. I think the only thing that would really make it nice, being at Matt's with no real furnature or anything, is the fact that it's located right next to a graveyard. Nice place to take walks at night. I'm not sure if I'll be able to drink too terribly much while over there though. I'm feeling really bad right now. Nauseated, acidic, shaky and hungry. Ate over a cup and a half of oatmeal, and my stomach still feels completely empty. It's not fun and is stuff like this that makes me paranoid that the hyperthyroidism is growing worse.

I'll have to remember to take my cot with. I don't want to have to sit on the floor.

Still not quite sure how this whole soup-making thing works? Learn more soup tips in the gallery below.


( How to Make Soup )